Cast A Shadow Of Doubt

11 posts

The Magic Between Us: Camlin

This post is part of The Magic Between Us series, an exploration and analysis of characters in the Stories of the Eleriannan series.

When we first meet Camlin Grimshaw, he is revealed as the villain of In Sleep You Know, the shadowy leader of an aggressive faction of Fae that have named themselves after him. He and his followers have a deep, burning anger that comes from many years of isolation and being othered, both from the mortal world and their own, and that manifests as hatred of the Fae social classes and mortals in general. If they can’t belong, then they’ll seize or destroy the systems that keep them out. 

In the course of ISYK we learn that Camlin is skilled at manipulation, and when that doesn’t work, he compels using his mind. He secretly uses members of the Gwyliannan faction as spies and for some of his dirty work, and isn’t above being cruel to those he uses, because in his eyes they’re part of the system he despises. Genaine in particular suffers at his hands, and it’s implied that he draws her into a relationship with and uses that as a way to further twist her to his will. 

Camlin is cocky, self-assured, and willing to do anything to achieve his goal of gaining control of The Maithe—or is he? We see several times where his confidence has cracks, and his fear and uncertainty peek through. It’s not until Cast a Shadow of Doubt do we explore this, and his motivations for how he acted, in any detail; in ISYK he’s a bit more mysterious and very unlikeable. He would say that he’s used to playing that role, but the truth is, as always, much more complex.

In CASOD, he first appears at the front door of The Maithe, holding an unconscious mortal, Emmaline, in his arms. He begs the Eleriannan to help her, at whatever cost to him it might incur. This is our first inkling that something has changed for Camlin Grimshaw, though not the extent of it. 

Why am I recapping all of this, with potential spoilers? Because to understand what made Camlin who he is, it’s important that we look at his terrible choices and actions before he started down a path to redemption. 

Vali says that she believes no one is beyond redemption, which is why she gives Camlin a chance by letting him in the door—even if she doesn’t consciously understand that as the reason at first—and this is his second advocate on the road to turning his life around. The first is Emmaline, who gives him space to be flawed and messy without judgement, which in turn encourages him to care about nurturing over destruction. Until that point in his life, he’d suffered through being feared and reviled by mortals for what he was, a magical anomaly that lacked control over his powers. He was rejected by his Fae father as well, who neglected to teach him how to use his magic properly or even how to blend in for safety, and who eventually left Camlin and his mother to fend for themselves. This was the catalyst of his hatred for mortals and the so-called Gentry; though he still wasn’t quite comfortable with the “lower class” Fae, they didn’t judge him for being a half-blood like the Gentry did. 

Neither Vali nor Emmaline excuse Camlin for what he’s done. Vali was there and suffered at his hands. She watched her friends suffer as well, unable to aid them. But she’s seen people do terrible things, often when they felt like they had no other choice or when they’d fallen so far that they no longer cared. She tries to meet people where they are, leaving them room to grow and explore the possibility of change. That confuses Camlin at first, because he knows that she has no reason to forgive him. None of the folks that he waged war against do. Being able to accept that he deserves whatever punishment he receives when he offers himself in exchange for helping Emmaline is all Vali needs to hear to give him leeway. In turn, she works to convince the others that they too should consider allowing him a chance to atone for his transgressions. 

But it’s Emmaline’s unblinking acceptance of him, terrible faults and all, that sets him on the road to change. When he first encounters her, he’s still leaning on his arrogant persona for an illusion of strength, despite being laid low in the aftermath of ISYK. She sees right through it, same as she sees him while everyone else in the coffee shop does not, and she interacts with him fearlessly—something he had not experienced in a long time. As two people who were living on the fringes of the world, even though for different reasons, they clicked right away. 

And when Emmaline scoffed at the idea of trusting people who claimed not to lie, saying that the ones who protested loudest were usually the least truthful, Camlin was desperate enough to keep his connection with her that he acted rashly. He swore to always speak the truth to her. What I don’t say directly in CASOD [though there’s some implication of it] is that this is the first time he’s ever allowed himself to be vulnerable for someone else. It’s a rash but heartfelt decision, and it’s the first step to redemption for Camlin. 

He’s given her a way to have some power over him, in a way that levels the field at least a little. For once, he’s more interested in someone else’s comfort and safety than his own. 

After the couple come to The Maithe, Camlin begins to share with others the past that damaged him and led him to the terrible choices that he made. And then he reveals his worst secret: in his anger and hatred and despair, he allowed a mysterious entity that whispered half-truths and offered seductive powers under the guise of achieving similar goals to have control over him. In turn, it used him to control the faction he’d gathered. The abuse pattern he’d been a part of was cyclical, and he was both the victim and the abuser, as all too often happens. 

The difference for him being that he’s ready to risk himself to set things right, if he can. He makes this choice knowing that he could lose everything, including his life, or possibly worse, his ability to fight the mycelial Mealladhan and regain his free will. Still, he chooses to try. In the process he puts himself completely at the mercy of those he hurt in the past, trusting them to make decisions that could save him or doom at the end of his task. Even when the Mealladhan once again takes control of him, he does his best to protect and warn the people he cares about.

One of the lessons that he learns in all of this that I think sometimes gets overlooked is that he must trust and work with other people in order to have any hope of this plan succeeding. Every bad thing that happens in Camlin’s life is because of being alone, by choice or not. When he begins to lean on others, he grows exponentially. 

Camlin is a character I enjoy exploring, because he’s very much not perfect; he’s quite aware of how flawed he is but is willing to do whatever he can to make amends and work toward becoming a better person. Some villains are unredeemable, and there are things one can never come back from. Camlin himself understands that he can never undo what’s been done, and he doesn’t expect to be forgiven. Instead he chooses to make the best of his second chance at life by doing what he can to keep the Mealladhan from regaining power, no matter the cost to himself. That’s fucking brave, and maybe not everyone will agree that it’s enough to be redeemed—Camlin might be on your side there—but I think Vali, the conscience of the Eleriannan, would argue that he deserves some happiness.

Ask the Cast: Vali and Sousa

Last time I posted, I mentioned that I would be featuring the characters of In Sleep You Know and Cast a Shadow of Doubt as they answer questions from me and reader-posed questions as well. Today, we have the first segment, featuring an interview by me with Vali and Sousa!

Please read on to hear about what’s been keeping this duo busy, some organizations that they support, and what you can expect to see in the future from them and the Baltimore Fae!


Today I’ve got Sousa and Vali for some questions and answers!

Me: You have both been busy lately! Want to tell the readers about some of your current projects?

Vali: My two pet projects right now are working on organizing garbage pick-up groups around the Jones Falls and doing some volunteering at the community garden and the free farm. Later this year I want to work on making some safer spaces for unhoused folks in Baltimore, especially women, so that they can camp or gather without repercussions.
Oh, and I’ve just about got Souz talked into letting me throw up a BIG piece on the side of The Maithe.

Me: Oh! Mural sized! What’s the art going to be like? Anything you can share?

Vali: Well… that’ll depend on what I can convince Sousa to let me do. Right, Souz?

Sousa: No pressure or anything, damn. [laughs]

Me: What about you, Sousa? What have you been into lately?

Sousa: Besides helping Vali over at the Jones Falls clean-up sites, I’ve been doing a lot of renovation work on the new building in Woodberry. It’s barely inhabitable right now, not that it’s stopping those folks from staying there. At least some Fae aren’t too choosy, unlike some of the people in this house… anyway. So anything I can do to hurry the process, that’s what I do. And somehow I tried Sheridan into teaching me some of his beer-brewing secrets, which means I’ve gotta test the fruits of our labor, you know…

Me: Of course, of course. You can’t share it until you know it’s worthy.
You are going to share, right?
[everyone laughs]
So you’re both doing lots to give back to the local community. For those who would like to contribute but aren’t local or who don’t have the ability to get hands on, what organizations would you recommend supporting?

Vali: What a great question! Here in Baltimore, I can tell you a few places that do great work. If you’re interested in water conservation, there’s the Chesapeake Bay Foundation [https://www.cbf.org/] which works to save the bay through education, advocacy, litigation, and restoration. You could also donate to Mr. Trash Wheel and the Trash Wheel family [https://www.mrtrashwheel.com/] — they are the trash eating heroes of our waterfront! Mr. Trash Wheel lives at the point where the Jones Falls empties into the harbor, and he catches so much trash before it gets into open water.
Sousa: If you want to help people directly, one of my favorite groups is Food Not Bombs, which has operations everywhere and strives to feed people who need it. [https://foodnotbombs.net/new_site/] The local chapter is connected with Baltimore Free Farm [https://www.baltimorefreefarm.org/] which does so much to feed hungry people and build community with their food rescue work! They also have a community garden and an event space.
In your area, I suggest looking up “free farms near me” and see what comes up. If not, food banks always need time, money, and donations and will welcome your help!

Me: Wow, I appreciate these links!
Someone wanted to know what else we can expect from you and the rest of the gang – any big plans for playing more festivals or other adventures?

Sousa: Actually, we do! We’re getting ready to start hosting events–slowly, with restricted guest lists at first–at The Maithe. It’ll mostly be stuff with The Drawback to start, but we hope to book other things in the future, if this works out. I mean, I have all that space, might as well use it, right? And yes, this’ll include both Fae and Mortals on the list!

Vali: I’m even kicking around the idea of having an art space there. First step is throwing up some paint on that wall though…

Sousa: Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Vali: You heard him, folks! No take-backsies!

[everyone laughs]

Me: That’s all the questions I’ve got for y’all–anything you want to add?

Vali: Um… don’t litter, be nice to the people doing the jobs you don’t want to do, and remember that everyone’s got a story that you know nothing about, so be kind.

Sousa: Do it yourself doesn’t mean doing it without your community. And, um, buy beers for your local bands so that they know you love them. Yeah.

Wise words! Much appreciation for the time that Vali and Sousa took out of their day to share with us!
If you want to hear more from the cast of In Sleep You Know and Cast a Shadow of Doubt, keep checking back here for more interviews!
And if you’d like to ask your own questions, you can fill this out here: https://freesuggestionbox.com/pub/gnxfwvl

Ask the Cast a Question, an ongoing series

I’m up to something fun! 
I am going to make a reoccurring series where I “interview” the characters from ISYK/CASOD and see what they have to say. Questions will range from ridiculous to deadly serious.

And YOU will get to play a part in this, if you like!
You can leave suggestions for future questions to ask the entire cast or just one of the characters here – https://freesuggestionbox.com/pub/gnxfwvl

Our first question is already here and ready for you! Today, we have a question for Lucee Fearney, your favorite waffle-loving guitarist and once-mortal Fae leader!

Lucee, the readers want to know: how did you learn to play guitar?

Lucee: Wow, that’s a cool question! Actually, you can blame it on Merrick, just like most of the best things that’ve happened in my life. Back in ninth grade he decided that he wanted to learn how to play guitar. He kept telling me that he knew he was destined to be in a band and he wanted me to be in that band too. He also knew that my father would never go for any of that, so he used his “I have rich parents” connections and pulled some strings with the dean to get us a private guitar teacher. He managed to make it so that it was listed on our curriculum as required, so Da would have no reason to be pissed that I was taking a music class instead of an academic class.

Funny thing was that Merrick struggled with guitar, but I picked it up like I was born to play. It just made sense to me, you know? Our teacher Max (Mr. Max, we used to call him) is the one that suggested to Merrick that he should try switching to the bass, and pointed out that if he wanted to sing, that might make it easier. He was a great teacher! He made us both feel like we could do anything. He’s the one who taught me what makes an instrument sound good, and how to develop my own style and tone. Everything else I learned from trial and error, like you do!

Lucee, you’re the best! Guess I owe you a waffle now, right?

Enjoy this? Expect another Q&A next week! And don’t forget to submit your questions!

Character Love Languages

A Valentine’s Day Post!

One of the things that gets mentioned in Cast a Shadow of Doubt is love languages. First, before I go any further: I am NOT referencing the book written by Gary Chapman. He certainly wasn’t the first one to come up with the concept of love languages, and I don’t support the way he frames the idea. [Or any of his other ideas.]

Firstly: people can speak or perform multiple love languages, and need different things at different times. They may even need different languages depending on the relationship to that person. Second: there are MANY more than five love languages. You’ll see that in my characters for sure.

Cullen demonstrates his love languages to Lucee regularly. He does his best to give her a safe place where she can express her thoughts and fears, and his quiet and unwavering belief in her is just what she needs. He also expresses his support through food, which is demonstrated several times in Cast a Shadow of Doubt!

Lucee, on the other hand, is a tireless cheerleader for her friends, and is quick with a compliment or a word of encouragement. She goes out of her way to be there for Merrick, and also her other friends when they need her. Oh, and Lucee’s a big ol’ hugger, so touch is important, too.

One of Sousa’s love languages is thoughtful gifts, given with careful consideration to how he knows the future recipient, and what he thinks will bring them the most happiness. He doesn’t do it often, so his gifts make an impact.

Vali expresses her love through service – to The Maithe, the community around her, and The Lady of the City. She is also quick with a kind and supportive word, and slow to judge, which makes her a nurturing sort of person to be around. Vali spends a lot of time volunteering and when people she loves join her, she feels the most complete.

Merrick is another acts of service person. He finds his true calling through joining something bigger than himself, and he is eager to support his Fae family by taking on his role as the Blackbird, champion of House Mirabilis. He also affirms Aisling’s importance in his world and is ready to defend her whenever she needs it.

Aisling’s is dedication. She is fiercely loyal and supportive of those she loves, and goes out of her way to show it. When Merrick runs away from the Eleriannan, she doggedly tracks him down and won’t leave him to suffer alone until he is able to rejoin the Fae.

Want to hear about some of the other characters? What about you – what are yours? Mine are touch and supportive words with a minor in service. And I love touch and gifts!

So. Much. Talking.

I’m still enjoying a post-launch high! On Sunday I had my official Launch Party live on my Facebook page, which–despite some technical difficulties, thanks FB– went well and was a LOT of fun. The technical difficulties included Facebook glitching and deciding that I was spamming my own broadcast, which led to me being kicked off and having to restart it… so there will be a delay before I have the video stitched together to repost elsewhere.

In the meantime, you can check out the two parts via Facebook: here’s part one and here’s part two.

I am SO excited about this!

The next interview that I’ve got coming up is one that I’m really looking forward to — I’ll be on Subculture Talk, the live interview show hosted by DJ Pat 626 of Subculture Shock. Pat and I go waaaayyyy back! Before they were the host of SubShock, back on FM radio in Charlottesville VA, I hosted that show. So we know each other very well and we are both extremely silly with a similar sense of humor. It should prove to be a great time!

From their event page:

“On February 17th, PAT 626 sits Christiane Knight down in the virtual studio to talk about her previous book, In Sleep You Know, her new book, Cast a Shadow of Doubt, Radio Xiane, and the past, present, and future of the goth scene. There will probably also be a lot of sickening moments where they compliment each other. They do that.

Subculture Talk airs Thursday nights on twitch.tv/djpat626 at 9pm EST, followed by The Afterparty, a 2-hour mixshow, at 10pm! The chat is open for you questions and comments!”

Facebook event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/1098977697570944/

After Subculture Talk, I don’t have anything on the schedule until Baltimore Faerie Faire in April. [details are in the sidebar 🔜]
I’ll make sure to keep you updated as things change, however! Or you can sign up for the mailing list, and you’ll always be the first to know where I’ll be and when.

I’ll leave this blog post with a pic of the official proof copy of Cast a Shadow of Doubt! I will have the copies in my hands for signed copy orders in just a few days — yours will look like this without that ugly ribbon across the design. I can’t wait to get them into your hands!

LOOK at that cover!

AMA: Character Favorite Songs

Cast a Shadow of Doubt is LIVE to order now, and as part of the Launch Day celebrations, I’ve been doing fun meme collections and AMAs about the characters and story! I’ve been having a great time with it so far.

Someone asked me what songs I’d say are the favorites of each of the major characters. Well obviously this is one of the best questions ever! So with no further ado, here are your favorite song choices!

Just like anyone’s favorite tracks, most of these songs will give you real insight into the character it represents.

Lucee Fearney

Curve – Coming Up Roses

Cullen

Nick Drake – Cello Song

Merrick Moore

Joy Division – The Sound of Music

Aisling

Mors Syphilitica – A Lullaby of Sorts

Vali Dawe

Skeletal Family – Promised Land

Sousa

New Model Army – The Hunt

If you find this fun, I’ve got more I can lay on you! Let me know if you listened and if you are enjoying my AMAs!

Mixtapes as a Love Language

Why should a story need a playlist, anyway?

I’ve talked about the soundtracks [aka mixtapes] to my books a couple of times here, and how the music is part and parcel of the atmosphere and story — integral, if you ask me. You could read the stories and never listen to the tracks I chose to go with each chapter, but you’d be missing out on some of the nuance and thematic references. I mean…it’s up to you, I guess

Seriously though, the concept of a soundtrack for my stories comes in part from the longstanding tradition in visual media, sure, but even more so from my longstanding tradition to make mixtapes for people I care about, or who I want to care about. I’ve been making mixtapes since I was about ten years old; at first, I used one of those old cassette recorders with a condenser mic and buttons that would make a loud CLUNK every time I would stop the player. My very first foray into learning how to make a proper mix was figuring out how to eradicate that CLUNK from the recording.

[The secret sauce was using a pencil to roll back the tape just enough to start the next recording over the bit of tape where the terrible noise had been. That trick served me well for years of making mix tapes without a fancy mixer!]
Oooooh, when the minutes drag…
Photo by Idin Ebrahimi on Unsplash

Mixtapes are my love language. Even though I make them these days using CDs or Spotify, the general aesthetic and motivation is still the same. I make them for people I care about, or that I’m really into. Often they’ll have a theme or mood, and I choose every song carefully to match that. The songs build and ebb and flow, creating a journey that needs to be followed from beginning to end in order to get the overall effect properly. It’s funny, because I approach DJing in the same way, and it’s served me well. There’s a real art to building the energy of a dancefloor, and the same with a weekly show, though the energies are generally different between them.

The same applies to my book soundtracks, and it makes sense, because the plot of a book has that same sort of organization: rise and fall, ebb and flow, with an overall theme and direction. And the best mixtapes I’ve made, like my favorite novels, have covers that I can’t forget. I am a firm believer in making cool covers for my mixes. That’s part of the aesthetic, too.

Fun fact: I used to be the person that people brought their cassettes to for repairing.
Photo by Dan-Cristian Pădureț on Unsplash

When I started dating my partner, I gave him a mix CD on our very first date. [We’re coming up on six years together, and I would put money on the mix being part of that.] One of my friends digitized a mixtape that I made for him back in 1986, and it’s just as good now. The music isn’t new but it feels fresh. It’s a testimony to the power of mix tapes that he’s kept it for 36 years and cared enough to rip it to newer formats.

Want to win me over? Make me a mixtape. Bare a little of your soul with it. Create a cover that says something about the mix — it can be a drawing, a collage, something digitally manipulated. Whatever feels most honest.

That’s what I did for all of you with my books. I put together a couple of mixtapes and gave you stories to go with them, and pretty covers that reflect what’s inside. The mixes are as important as the novels. The stories are as important as the music. It’s all full of love.


BTW, if you want to read more about the philosophy of making mixtapes, you can’t do much better than going to one of the masters of talking about music and its importance, Nick Hornby. High Fidelity, of course, but Songbook not only goes into great detail but has its own mixtape to listen to.

cover reveal CASOD

Cast a Shadow of Doubt Cover Reveal

I’m so pleased to reveal the official cover for Cast a Shadow of Doubt, the sequel to In Sleep You Know! The novel will be available in ebook and paperback for purchase through my website and Amazon, and of course all the other important places.

Pre-orders for the Kindle are available NOW, through this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09PSKZ2V6

Here’s the blurb, to whet your appetite:

Lucee Fearney legitimately inherited the leadership of the Fae faction known as Eleriannan, but what will happen when they find out that she still only has the magical skills of a Mortal? 

When unexpected, dangerous visitors show up at the door of Maithe House, they bring word of an enemy that none of the Fae know how to fight. Even if Lucee can learn to trust herself and lean on her friends for help, will it be enough to take down the powerful and mysterious foe  known as the Mealladhan? 

Rejoin Lucee, Cullen, Merrick, Vali, Sousa, and all the other Mortal-born and Fae of Baltimore in another magical, musical adventure!

Now with 100% more outdoor summer music festivals, uncanny graffiti, and shadowy forces.

Stay tuned for more release info, including giveaways and other fun activities, and make sure that you’re signed up for my mailing list so that you’re among the first to know when the book goes live on February 1st, 2022!

A surface covered in grey furry looking material has a stack of old books with a hot beverage on them atop. Leaning on the books is a tablet with the cover of Cast a Shadow of Doubt. A candle burns in the background next to a rose colored pillow.

Getting Closer to Everything

Things are happening, even though the year is almost over!

You’d think that December should be a downtime sort of month, what with the holidays and the end of the year quickly approaching. But you’d be wrong! I have been diligently working away in the background on a bunch of different things: events and appearances for 2022, new upcoming projects, goals for the new year, and oh yeah… all of the details surrounding putting together Cast a Shadow of Doubt!

Let me start with CASOD updates first, because they’re exciting! I’ve moved through the editing process and have the finished text. Formatting is almost done, and the next steps are cover, blurb, and technical background details.

All cover images you’ve seen so far have been placeholders, created by me. The central image is a reference to a plot point that is integral to the storyline, and that’s all I’ll say about that. Will the official cover look similar? You will have to wait and see! There will be a cover reveal when I’m ready and I’ll make sure you know all about it.

I feel good about the blurb as it stands, and you’ll see that SOON. And technical background details are things like setting up preorders, ISBNs, registering with the Library of Congress, etc. If you’d like to learn more about what is entailed with these tasks as a self-published author, you can join my Ko-fi as a member of the “A Writer’s Life and Craft” level.

Let’s talk events!

I have started setting up events for 2022, and although it isn’t confirmed yet, I can whisper in your ear that I’ll definitely be at Baltimore Faerie Faire again — and this time, IN PERSON! Yay!

Other places I’ll be, although I’m not sure if it’ll be in an official capacity or just as an attendee, include the 2022 Nebula Conference, Balticon and the Summer Solstice Faerie Festival. I’ll have a section up soon with all of these events listed, and I hope to meet some of you there!

Are there other events where you’d like to see me? Please leave a comment here with suggestions!

New projects in the works

Once CASOD launches on Imbolc [which is February 1st] 2022, I will be turning my hand to some related projects. I am currently working on story #3 set in the world of the Eleriannan. It remains to be seen if it will be a novel or something shorter, but it will be my first published story that features an LGBTQ+ main character. Considering how quickly–at least for a newbie author– I put out two novels, I’m taking a little more time with this story. It has characters really close to my heart, and I think you will love it.

Another thing that I have been discussing is starting a podcast that features theatrical readings from my stories. I can’t afford to make audiobooks [yet] so this might be a fun way to create something folks can listen to in the car or at home. I can’t guarantee that this will happen yet! It’ll take some money for equipment upgrades, for one thing. But if this interests you, and you want to help, supporting me on Ko-fi is the best way to do that.

Oh! One last thing!

In Sleep You Know, right next to a T. Kingfisher book! That’s some nice company it’s keeping!

I went the other day to my local library to see one of my books, one that I wrote, with my own two eyes. And there it was, on the shelf with all the new releases, and I may have done a little dance in the aisle when I saw it.

I’ve had a lot of amazing achievements this year as a newly published author, but this one might mean the most to me. Libraries have an important place in my heart. As a young person with a voracious reading appetite and very few friends, libraries were a lifeline for me. They are hallowed ground, in my mind. And now I have a book in one. Actually, more than one, because In Sleep You Know is in three library systems that I’m aware of – maybe more that I’m not!

And that brings up a Big Ask from me.

Folks, did you know that you can request your library to carry specific books? For free! Some library systems require you to log into a library account, but many do not. You’ll have to fill out a form, but that’s easy and the info you’ll need is easy to get from Amazon or Goodreads. And if they approve it, other people will get a chance to read my book. Or other indie authors’ books, because you can do this for any indie or self-published author who has taken the time to make their books available for library systems to purchase!

So if you want to give me or another author a present for the holidays, please take the time to request our books through your library systems. It only takes a moment and will help us so much!

Your support is the best thing in the world, my magic seekers. Expect another blog post before the end of the year, and I appreciate that you took the time to read this one!

To Keep The Darkness At Bay

One of the questions I get asked a lot, and I’m sure most writers do as well, is one that cuts to the bone of our motivations.

What made you want to become a writer?

It is a well-meaning question, asked by those who truly don’t understand that writing is less of a choice than a drive or a need, at least for me.
I’ve been writing stories since I learned how to print my letters. Stories have been in my blood from the very beginning. I learned to read when I was two years old, and I was writing before I started school. I’ve mentioned before that in first and second grade I had a following of girls who would join me in the grassy field during recess while I told them tales that I created on the spot. We would make clover chains and discuss faeries and talking animals and creating magic potions. There’s a meme out there about how little girls instinctively form covens and I’m here to tell you that, at least for me, that was so true.

I wrote my first book at age six, and it was a total rip-off of E.B. White’s The Trumpet of the Swan – okay, okay, it was inspired by it. I even illustrated it, and made it into a stapled chapbook, foreshadowing of my ‘zine days to come. I loved every bit of doing this, and from that moment on, I was hooked on being a writer.

To me, it made sense. I was a voracious reader. I told myself stories all the time. Why wouldn’t I be writing books?

I had a lot of stops and starts on my path of sharing my words. I wrote poetry, music, short stories. I published them myself in my ‘zines, and had them published in other ‘zines and small press publications. I blogged online, fairly religiously. I wrote in my personal journal daily, and some of the things I crafted there became shared pieces.

And I started abortive attempts at novel writing. None were successful, at least not for a very long time.

I like to keep the magic alive outside of the book, too. This is what came in the original deluxe signed paperback packages.

It wasn’t until I revisited my notes for the world of the Eleriannan, as I looked for inspiration during the pandemic lockdown, that I started to see how the stories I’d begun and then abandoned could be fleshed out. They’d been waiting for me to get to the right place in my mind and in my life.

Everything is terrible! Let’s write a book!

Now that I’m into the editing portion of Cast A Shadow Of Doubt, I have time to read for pleasure. That’s a good thing, because I have a BIG stack of TBRs, and the one on the top of the stack is Never Say You Can’t Survive, by Charlie Jane Anders.

I’ve been dying to read this, and so far it has not disappointed. The subtitle is How To Get Through Hard Times By Making Up Stories, and if that isn’t directed straight to my heart, I don’t know what is. Chapter five in particular has hit home for me, because it talks about writing the things that comfort you when the world is burning. One sentence in particular jumped out at me and brought tears to my eyes.

“Write whatever you need to survive.” – Charlie Jane Anders

Her point is that we get a lot of messages about what we are “supposed” to be writing. Some of those are external, others internally designed to make us feel like we’re not good enough as writers. [yay for that, brains]
However, our actual job as writers is to bring forth what we need in the world. And not what we think everyone needs – no, I should write what I specifically need or want. You should do the same. Write the thing that gives you heart to go on, that allows you to get up in the morning, that fills a space in your life that was lacking before you addressed it with your words.

YES PLEASE.

THAT is when writing brings joy, when it rings out clearly across the empty spaces that needed those words, those ideas, that specific story. Writers who embrace this philosophy are easy to spot, at least to me. Reading their stories is an authentic experience.

Conversation between me and Christopher, which is when it all became clear to me about why I write.

And that is why I was able to write In Sleep You Know, when before I’d never been able to finish writing a novel. It was something I needed, a moment where possibilities exist and magic is real but what really matters are the choices that one makes… Especially the choices that bring friends together and create family and community.

And Cast A Shadow Of Doubt embraces those values even more. I cannot wait to share it with you, because these stories are what I need to see in the world, and I am hoping that they are for you, as well.