I'm Christiane [she/they] and I'm disabled, queer, and several flavors of neurospicy. I live right outside the city of Baltimore, MD, near the Chesapeake Bay. I'm an author and poet, concentrating on contemporary fantasy and speculative fiction that centers on stories about hope and community. That's my big WHY when it comes to everything in life: inspiring hope, building community.
Once again it is the season for award eligibility posts, and here is my singular SFFH offering for this year! This is my first science fiction novel and it’s soft and hopeful and a little romantic but still has a lot to say. I’d love it if you’d give A Small Light in the Darkness a chance.
I had one novel this year:
A Small Light in the Darkness is a story about relationships, and what we look for in them, and how we can be manipulated by them too. It’s also about what happens when we tamper with our brains, and who can be trusted to do so. And it looks at what makes us who we are, and who we might be if circumstances are slightly changed.
This is also a story that talks about hubris, and what we sacrifice in the name of progress, and what happens when ambition isn’t tempered with empathy and a desire to do what’s best for humanity. Published April 2026.
“I’m lost in the echoing city streets, but the woods still call my name. Looking for someone who remembers glassphalt and thought it enchanting, which is why we don’t have it anymore, right? Nothing magical stays around here but us, wandering and wondering why we’re so alone.“
As always, thank you so much for your love and support. I couldn’t do any of this without you.
Edited to add: If you’d like to find a list of genre awards resources and other writers who have declared their eligibility for awards this year [highly recommended! Lots of great authors here!] then please check the wonderful A.C. Wise’s annual awards round-up post, What Have You Done, What Have You Loved. Bookmark it to check back often!
Sorry, friends! Due to circumstances beyond my control, this event is unable to happen. I’m hoping to record something fun with a reading so keep your eyes open. And if you are interested in having an oracle card pull, please comment below and I’ll set that up!
Halloween is when my first book in the Stories of the Eleriannan series, In Sleep You Know, begins. I thought it would be fun to have a little gathering where I dress up, read the opening chapter of ISYK, then drink tea, have snacks, answer questions and chat with my guests, and at the end pull some oracle cards for those who want.
All stats and my thoughts about them are current as of October 2026. Strap in, this is long.
Being any kind of author in 2026 isn’t easy.
And every day we wake up to find that more hurdles have been throw into the road for us to figure out how we can cross without breaking us.
The newest? Well, for today at least it’s fucking Meta and their fucking insistence to try and extract value from the only people keeping their platform afloat by insisting that if they use it, Meta has the right to send AI bots to their websites and scrape them.
Uh, that’s not going to get them more users.
But they’re a collapsing giant and they are pulling everyone down with them in an attempt to be relevant. They know Facebook is basically a holdout for older folks and those who are still there because of those folks or groups that they need for their hobby or business. Younger people generally do not use Facebook; they barely use Instagram. [They’re on Tiktok, but that has a host of other uh, problems cough]
Now I’m going to be very honest here [which I always am but I’m making a point]: I use social media. I am on both Facebook and Instagram. I am not on Tiktok, but I was for a hot minute, until the whole fiasco where Oracle and some other sketchy entities bought out the US version. None of these platforms are Good or Virtuous or even Positive For Me. They exist to make money on the attention of their users and have been used to push political agendas and sow division. They also unfortunately are a large piece of the online agora, where a decently sized chunk of the populace gathers to meet, do business, and be a community–more or less. I preferred the Internet when the agora wasn’t Sponsored by Various Nefarious Corporations, but that’s what living in late stage capitalism is all about. Sometimes we’re forced to pick the least harmful option if we want to participate in the world.
But you know what? Maybe it’s time to stop participating in that version of the world.
Let me tell you, I’m FURIOUS about what unfettered capitalism has done to the Internet. When I first started coming online, a million years ago, websites were new and clunky and it was pretty easy to get a space and learn HTML and talk about your favorite thing. I had a personal one and then one for my band. Both were terrible! I loved them! What I loved even more was realizing that I could read thoughts, research, and interests from people all over the world, any time I wanted. I could talk to people who loved the same kind of music and books and poetry that I did, and not have to wait for letters to show up in my PO box. We could have actual, real-time or almost real-time conversations! There were newsgroups and IRC channels and bulletin boards and webrings and of course email, which hadn’t been enshittified with endless spam yet. I talked and video chatted with people on the other side of the world regularly. I made friendships that I still have today. [a lot of those people are still on Facebook; now you see one of the reasons I’m still there, though I generally don’t post. It’s my only point of contact these days with some of them.]
So what’s the answer?
I wish I could tell you. What I can say is that I’ve already reduced my footprint on Facebook, and it’s lost me very little. Again, I’m only there to keep in touch with some people I would lose otherwise. People say “get their email!” Buddy, that isn’t going to work. Most people these days are loath to be in their email for fun or socializing, because it’s a huge part of their job, and/or it’s full of spam and advertising, and we’re exhausted just looking at it. I wish we would go back to emails. But I can look at the metrics from my business emails, which more often than not are chatty and conversational rather than pointed at selling, and people don’t open or engage much. I think email is pretty dead as a way to maintain a relationship, which is tragic as far as I’m concerned. I love text–obviously, it’s what I do–and letters in particular.
I’ve been more active on Instagram, and now I need to decide what I want to do about that. With Meta threatening the big AI scrape, I have a few choices but all feel icky, other than leaving outright, which effectively cuts me off from a chunk of my audience. I already don’t do paid advertising, so that leaves me with posting or word of mouth. Posting is spotty when it comes to being seen and Meta is doing it’s best to reduce that even more, and word of mouth is unreliable at best. I have a small core of supporters who talk about my work, but I can’t and shouldn’t depend on that. It’s not their job to promote me, even if I wish they would tell everyone about my books! What I want and what is reasonable to expect can be and often are worlds apart, but at least I recognize that, ha.
I talk a lot about integrity and ethics and how I strive to keep the business of writing ethically aligned with my morals. I do that for me, and also for you. It’s important to me to show you how I think through my choices, especially in these challenging times; it’s also helpful for me to think them through in real time, publicly, so that I have a record and receipt for my choices and thoughts. There are lots of choices I make that I’ve had to explain and have had pushback about [my stance on joining Substack/the Nazi bar, for example] and I feel fine with my choices but talking about them can be helpful for others weighing the same decisions. I think in the weeks to come I’ll be dropping some of the social media I’m on and talking about where I have stayed–at least for now–and why.
In case you’re curious or unaware, I’m currently active on Instagram [to be assessed], Bluesky, and YouTube. I’m less active on Discord, Mastodon, and Tumblr, in that order. I am on Facebook but only post events and use messenger to keep in touch with friends who aren’t anywhere else. This also is going to change drastically, thanks to Meta’s new rules; I will be deleting my author account by October 30th. Oh, I guess you could count Goodreads, but I really only use their groups to promote.
So do you have places you’ve found to be friendly to readers and authors and artists that aren’t actively trying to extract our worth? [hahahaa I know, I know] Please do share! And how much do you think about the ethics of the platforms that you use?
I started writing this entry back on September 24th. Since I abandoned it because of overwhelming stress and mental fatigue, some things have changed. I’ll annotate them as we go, because the main message of this post still stands. I still feel unmoored, though I’ve taken some of the steps that I mention here, and they have helped. Anyway, let’s see what I had to say. Updates will be italicized.
Usually I write with purpose and a point. Today, I’m not so sure.
Maybe this should be a journal entry. I don’t know. I feel disjointed, unmoored. Nothing is predictable, at least this month. [Let’s be real, things have been steadily becoming less predictable by the day for quite some time.] October hasn’t been any more predictable!
A lot of things have been uncertain: my health, my partner’s health, the world and what’s happening in it, where I’m going with myself and what I want from life. How to control anything, really. I’m sure I’m not alone here. I have been pretty busy, which both helps keep my mind occupied and drains away my extra energy. I participated in a QuickRead with Strong Women-Strange Worlds last Thursday. [September 17th] It was a fantastic time and possibly one of the best live readings I’ve ever done. You know how when you’re doing something you can just feel the mojo at work? That’s how it felt. In fact, the panels I participated in at Flights of Foundry that weekend were also the same. Very aligned, with great flow and interactions between all the panelists and the audience. I loved the topics, and everyone brought up fantastic points in discussion. [If you couldn’t make it, you can still catch replays of the panels if you get a membership at https://flights-of-foundry.org/registration/ – there’s even a special Late Bird tier.] [Available until Tuesday, Oct 20th]
Unfortunately during the first day of FoF I got a message that my partner was in the hospital after a medical emergency. I’m not going to put all his details out there but he’s been doing okay though recovering slowly, and he looks to be going home today. [That ended up not being correct; he stayed in the hospital for two weeks then went to a recovery/rehab facility where he still currently is.]
It does drive home something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently: how to divide my energy and attention in a way that allows me to be creative and also there for the people I love, in a way that is joyful and less stressful. I have been concentrating on events this year pretty hard. I love them, and I love meeting people and talking about my books and writing, but they also cut into my time writing…and quite honestly, living. I haven’t done nearly as many fun things with the people I love as I’ve wanted to do this year. I haven’t spent enough time with my partner.
Something has to give, right? I only have so much energy to divide up. That’s been the most difficult reality to come to terms with. I’m disabled. I can only do so much without paying a steep price. [As demonstrated by how August took me out after the Book Fair at Bel Air was followed immediately by a BTS concert. It was too much and I’m really only now starting to feel more like myself.] I’m not the person I used to be, no matter how much I try to push myself to perform like I used to do.
So I think 2027 is going to be more about creating things with my own hands, and making my own “events” that are set to my schedule and energy levels–and less about attending big events and doing a million panels and pushing myself to be in the room[s] where things happen.
I haven’t visited Round Falls in ages. If you’ve read CASOD you know what and where I’m talking about.
What if I make my own rooms?
I have before. I can do it again. I can offer a soft space where I, and other people who might like to, can talk about the craft or writing and/or art of any kind, and offer our experiences to those who might want it. I can create just for beauty’s sake and not think about “oh no I need to pay the bills.” Bills will get paid with or without my art; only once in my life has my art actually paid the bills so maybe it’s healthy to shift my thoughts on what I expect from it.
The entrepreneurial side of me cringes at that thought but the artist side loves it and feels so fucking free at the thought.
I’m running out of time; twenty years, if I’m lucky. If not now, when? *sips chai, contemplates existence and the paucity of time left in this vessel*
I started setting up free classes/lectures/whatever you want to call them on this website …last year? I think? And I haven’t progressed very far with it, not for lack of wanting to. I was just spread too thin. But! I can do that now. I can offer my own perspective on making art and keeping one’s values intact. I can speak on what it’s like to go it on your own and how that’s both freeing and a little terrifying, and what you win and lose by taking that path. And I can embrace multidisciplinary approaches to art, because it all supports each other. Want in? There’s no cost. There’s no requirement, other than to abide by my Requirements To Work With Me. I have the Emergence platform to post to, and this blog, and a Discord where we can gather if you like, at least until that platform gets screwed up by capitalism too. Join Emergence and you’ll get a link to the Discord, as well as access to pages with links to books and tools I recommend. More curricula to follow!
I also plan to make some video blogs about what I’m creating, about writing, and whatever else I want to yammer on about. I used to do more of those but life got in the way, and now I’m going to start moving the infringing parts of life out of the way and do more of what gives me life.
[Everything that follows is an update on this, as of October 11th 2026.]
Since I wrote this, I did indeed start focusing more on creative things. I left a bunch of Discord servers, staying only on my own and a few other important ones [like the Balticon server]. I drastically cut back my time on social media. I have been having some direct chats with friends, which is good because it feels personal and nourishing.
That’s given me time to keep up better with everything happening with my partner, as well as giving me more uninterrupted time to write and do other creative pursuits. One thing I’ve been able to do is finally make some trailer/teaser videos for my books. So far I’ve done one for In Sleep You Know and another for A Small Light in the Darkness, and I’ll have ones for the others soon enough. They are low-pressure ways to entertain myself and make something visual for enticing potential readers to investigate my stories. I’ll link to them [or you can see them on the page for each title here on this website] and if you like them, I’d really appreciate it if you’d drop a heart or share them. Selling books right now is very challenging, what with late-stage capitalism crushing everyone.
As for Eleriannan #4, I finally was able to get back into writing so I’ve added some more words to the WIP. I’m currently up to 71,770 words on the unedited first draft, which is 2/3rds of the way through my word target. That’s a soft goal; I’m the only one in charge of me, so I can change it at will or if I think the story warrants it. For perspective, my other Eleriannan stories come in at around 120,000-125,000 words. ASLID was about 55,000 if I recall correctly.
I’m not worried about the break I had in writing. I mentally break my books into three parts not because of structure [although funny enough, that actually IS the case with this specific book. It’ll make sense when you read it.] but because of how my personal writing schedule tends to go. That is: the first third goes very quickly, as I’m in the exploratory part of writing and ideas are coming fast and furious. Then there’s a pause, while I think.
Why do I pause and think? Because here’s where the plot’s path really starts to become clear, and I need time to sort through all of my ideas. I’ve talked before about being a discovery writer, and that’s part of my process. Basically, I let it cook.
Then I dive into the story again and I go and go until I hit that 2/3rds mark. Then it’s time to percolate some more. I usually have several threads that need to be tied together and this is where the big work will start to do that, so I give my brain time to work through how that’s going to happen. No, I don’t consciously know how it’s all going to come together yet. Yes, this is how it always works for me. No, it’s not stressful at all. [ahahahahaa sobs]
That’s where I am right now, just diving back into the plot and picking out the path to the end of this book. One of the most miraculous things about this writing method is how it all comes together, like magic. The magic is obviously powered by a lot of playing through potential scenarios and how they answer the questions that have been asked in the beginning of the story. I don’t know if this is the method I’d recommend, but it’s how my brain works and it keeps giving me stories that people rave about so…I’m not changing it!
This kind of writing needs space and patience, though, and that’s been a tough combo to get lately, what with everything happening in my life. So I made adjustments, and prioritized the people and art in my life. So far, it seems to be working.
What that means for the future? Not sure. But I will continue to assess my plan and develop changes as needed. And I’ll of course keep updating here.
Thanks for continuing to be with me on this journey.
Author note: I started writing this as a response to an author friend’s post elsewhere, and decided that I had a lot more to say and it wasn’t appropriate for that space, so here goes my brain dump.
I’ve been deeply contemplating the why I write and even more crucial, the who is this for questions lately, and the answers are pending while I try to get out of the way of the emotions tied up with my work, but the basic premise is this:
It’s difficult to find one’s audience these days
Do I even care about that? Am I writing for them or for me?
My work fits a particular kind of reader, one who was recently let down by an author I’m often compared to, but do I have the right to use that in marketing? Do I even want to? It feels…not unethical but icky.
I know that if I stopped publishing, I’d still write and share stories
But editors cost money
There’s never enough money
But people deserve hopeful stories, and they’re especially needed in this timeline
BUT people who would like my stories and find them valuable can’t find them easily
Or more like, I don’t know how to find the right readers
Once again, money is a problem but I don’t want to do traditional advertising anyway
And we’re back around to “it’s difficult to find one’s audience” and “do I do this for an audience?”
I’ve always written; stories and essays and poems and random strings of thoughts put into something tangible for me and for those who can relate are the way I interact with the world. Even more tangible is having those stories in a book, something I can hold and shelve and reopen to share passages from to any gathering of people interested. I don’t have to physically publish, but it makes me feel so good to hold one of those books.
So yeah, I do that for me, but also for you.
Finding the you part of the equation, that’s so much harder.
I thought my extensive network of friends and colleagues would be more interested, but that was wrong. Some were/are, which is a delight! But I learned pretty quickly that people I’ve known for years and years weren’t at all willing to buy and read my heart’s work. And that funnels back into a discussion I’ve had multiple times, about how the people you expect to support you often don’t, and how that changes how you understand your place in their world. It was really good for finishing off the illusions I held about my past and my relationships with certain groups and people, but what a way to get that dose of reality!
So I learned that even the people I know who actually read the genres I write in weren’t going to be my audience; what did that leave me? A vast untapped ocean of readers, but reaching them was a challenge. I’ve done my best to do so organically and ethically, and though I wish there were more of them, I have to trust that the right people will and are finding me. It’s a slow progress, but probably a lot more honest than the career of authors who become overnight sensations. I’m pretty sure the readers I reach this way will stick with my writing.
Ethics are a core part of the problem.
I don’t want to place ads on social media; again that’s casting a wide net that will maybe gather more people than actually are the right readers, but that’s if the ad actually reaches people. There’s no guarantee with those kinds of ad campaigns, and oh WOW do I hate the word “campaign” in regards to my art. It’s gross. I don’t want to pitch my work. I don’t want to convince you to spend your hard-earned money on something that’s not right for you. I want you to stumble upon my books, read the back blurb, and think “this sounds so much like me!”
Maybe I’m too idealistic. I dunno. I just know that I don’t want to do capitalism with my art. I want to do commerce, to do support for my work, to offer a space where the reader can, for a little while, watch characters like themselves struggle with their problems and discover the strengths they always had inside them, and at the end they and the readers are left with hopeful futures and a feeling of having found a community that loves them and who they are.
So I guess I found some of the answers to my questions.
Author’s note pt 2: I suppose this is the kind of thinking that most people would keep to themselves, their journal, or their small, trusted cohort. But if you’re a writer and an overthinker like me, you might find comfort in knowing you’re not the only one with these thoughts, or be curious about why I worry about these things if you don’t follow similar trains of thought. Or maybe you’re a reader and this gives you a glimpse into the way I approach my writing career and—honestly—pretty much everything in my life. I’m big into what some might deem oversharing because I think it’s important to normalize talking about this kind of analysis and critical thinking in every aspect of the life choices we make. I have a feeling that there will be additions to this conversation, so let’s call this Existential Author Thoughts [part 1 maybe].
Summer feels like it’s been both flying by and dragging its heels at every turn.
I’ve both been very busy and not at all, in almost unpredictable turns, since May. Some of that is thanks to the reality of living with a chronic illness, but also there’s just been this vibe out there, and that’s part of it. As Sousa would say, “I dunno, that’s above my pay grade.” [Every time it comes up I think me too, Souz, me too.]
I’ve had some pretty great events happen already this year:
Balticon and the WriteHive Annual Conference are two of my favorites. I’ve been to some reading events with fantastic authors, and I had a visit to Walters Art Museum recently with my mom. I had several lovely dates with my partner, and I managed to catch a couple of livestreamed BTS concerts from the comfort of my home. I’ve also added new plants to my collection of small green friends and they’re doing really well. All in all, a pretty modest but fulfilling couple of months, despite everything else happening in the world.
Just this week, I had an interview with Jodie of Witty and Sarcastic Bookclub drop as part of Self-Published Authors Awareness Week. We talked about my writing methods, why I set all my stories in Baltimore, what books I’m currently recommending, and more. You can also click here and follow along with all this week’s #SPAAW posts, which is great news because there’s a wealth of talented authors to discover there!
Coming up in August, you can find me at the Book Fair at Bel Air, which is a local-to-me book event in its third year and growing rapidly into a literary event worth noticing. I’ve attended every year as a vendor and enjoyed it greatly, making new author friends and finding readers for my books. This year we’ve moved to a larger venue and it’s got dedicated parking and more room for everyone, super exciting! If you’re in the Baltimore area, I’d love to see you there on August 8th from 10a-2p! The event is free and suitable for all ages.
Right after that I’m off to catch BTS in concert here in Baltimore!
I was lucky enough to score tickets with my partner and my bestie, and we are going to have the BEST time. If you’ve been following along you’ll know that since I got really sick I became a fan and Bangtan helped me get through some of the worst times of my life with their beautiful, honest outlook on life and songs that tend to be insightful and emotionally resonant. Finally I’ll be able to do the thing I never thought I’d be able to do: be in the same room [well, stadium] with them. It’s pretty challenging to get tickets to their shows, especially this tour, so I feel extremely lucky. I’m also aware that this is going to require a lot from me: energy, spirit, endurance. I’m not used to going to big events like this anymore, especially ones that last for most of the day. [and in August, which is a rough month for me anyway; I don’t do well in heat/humidity] But I am PUMPED and ready, and I promise I’ll tell you all about it when it’s done and I’m suffering from post-concert depression!
The BTS concert will probably finish up my summer; I’m not quite sure what I’ll have on the docket for September and beyond but I know I have at least one possible [virtual] event, and maybe some more. Of course I’ll keep you updated! September holds the Baltimore Book Fair too, and if I’m going to be involved there, I’ll be sure to let you know.
How’s your summer been going? What good books have you been reading? Has it felt slow and fast to you too?
Not the orange or rust or outright brown of some places, where the smoke is worse; not yet, anyway. Just a hazy, thick yellow that reminds me of what it was like growing up, when every city had that haze hovering over it. When some days you couldn’t see the horizon—no, you couldn’t even see six or eight blocks away clearly.
It used to be smoke everywhere, all the time, like living inside a smoking section in a restaurant, a thing that used to exist but we legislated to remove. Like how we wrote the Clean Air Act. Like how we worked against acid rain. Like how we came together to repair the hole in the ozone layer. Like how we started the shift to electric and hybrid vehicles.
Like all these progressive moves we undertook to fight back against the damage that the industrial age imposed upon us because rich people were more concerned with fancy advances and making money over growth in a way that protected and enhanced the lives of the common people.
Which sounds familiar.
I remember back in 2012, watching The History Channel’s The Men Who Built America, uncomfortable all the way through it. It’s been criticized as a simplified version of events, cornily reenacted, with no new information. Oh, and for having Donald Trump as one of the experts interviewed. [read the Wikipedia article to see the details, I’m just summarizing.] As someone who didn’t grow up reading much about a bunch of rich men who threw their influence around in order to make even more money and gather power, I found the comparison to what was happening at the time, seen through my eyes as a more experienced adult, chilling.
I was not wrong to make those comparisons. Look at where we are now. I saw it coming, though not to this extent. Not to where we rolled back everything. Not to yellow skies.
We fixed this before, or at least were on our way to fixing things. So what do we do now? There are choices we need to make.
Do we want to be ruled by a small circle of billionaires who only care about their own personal enrichment, even if it destroys everything else? Do we want to have to mask up in order to leave the house, hope and pray that the water we’re drinking, cooking with, bathing in, watering our food supply is uncontaminated? Are we going to stand here while they kill off anyone they think of as disposable or undesirable?
How do we keep going? How do we put one foot in front of the other, over and over, moving toward an unnamed goal that somehow has a million hopeful and beautiful inner images to illustrate it on our internal vision board even though we can never fully pin it down?
How can we keep that focus when the world is burning all around us? We seem doomed to keep repeating the patterns of the past, the hatred and need to subjugate those deemed lesser, more expendable, worth only what can be extracted from those with more money and power and the right background and gender and skin tone.
How can I keep hope alive when I see the atrocities that humans perpetuate daily? So many of us look away, glad that it’s not us or those we love, turning back to our mundane daily issues that keep us from contemplating how close to ruin we are every day, both personal and planetary.
And how can I keep doing all the small things that mean a lot to me but nothing in the greater scheme without feeling like I’m betraying the world, ignoring what’s actually happening? How do I stand up and say “I have books for you; please buy them” when I know so many people begging for mutual aid just to keep their housing or pay medical bills or eat?
There’s no easy answer to these questions.
I ask myself these things every week, sometimes multiple times a week. I struggle over them. I am one small dot in this world, with no power or money and a failing body. What can I do?
I get loud. I advocate for people and things I want to support. I try to put my money where it’s most needed, not that I have enough to make a difference by any means. I’m struggling too. It’s not enough. It’s never enough.
I write stories where the answers come a little easier.
Not too easy. Never so easy that there’s not ethical dilemmas that must be wrestled with, and prices to be paid. But stories that are written to give us some hope, some magic to believe in, and characters with strength and morals and will that hopefully can inspire readers to do the same, even if it’s in small ways.
Is that enough? I don’t know. Probably not. Maybe I’m even a terrible person for offering hope at all. I don’t believe that–not usually–but today’s been a challenging day and I’m not sure I’m the good guy I want to be when I write stories like this.
But no, fuck that.
I am not one to give up. Even when my brain chemicals were telling me to do so every day, I fought back because I do believe that we can be better and do better, as my character Vali boldly asserts. All my characters take parts of my heart and my head and put them on the page to keep me going as well as you, because we all need that kind of hope.
We can’t give up. This is the only planet, the only people, the only existence we know for sure we’ll get.
But if she was nervous, then it was up to him to make her feel more secure, right? That was what Grum always told him. “When you’re the biggest person in the room, you have to put the smaller ones at ease. Otherwise you’ll always be a threat, and you can’t trust anything a threatened person says or does as being true.” [Ettir, from the upcoming Eleriannan novel]
I am not a big person.
Okay, let me expand on that statement a little. [yes, the pun, the pun] I am a fat person, and my personality can be pretty big. But I am neither tall nor intimidating in appearance. I don’t have a lot of industry pull in any of the industries I’ve been involved in. I was a name that some people knew and respected–or despised, usually without actually knowing me–in both fiber arts and the goth/industrial music scene.
In the world of SFF, I’m a tiny sprout who gets some recognition but has a long way to go. That’s okay! I have no desire to rush my growth or increase my platform before I’m ready or deserving. My influence is small, and my audience is still pretty intimate. That’s not a bad thing. I know I’ll get there on my own time. But it means I can’t count on any kind of status to draw attention to the things I want to see succeed, or the things I want to see change. I have to do it a different way.
What I AM is loud.
This is a thing that anyone can do, although being loud can cost you. Being loud often makes people nervous, much like how Etttir’s Grum warned him about. Being loud makes you look bigger than you are, which is intimidating. That’s why I make sure to be loudest in service and support to other people and bigger causes.
It’s also easier to be loud about things that aren’t your own. You don’t feel like you’re taking up all the oxygen in the room. You don’t feel like you’re hawking your own projects constantly. And people will pay more attention to you if you’re making it about other people and causes more than you do yourself.
Loudness can be a kindness.
It takes the pressure off of those who are struggling to get the word out. It points out places that need attention to those who might be able to help. It can be employed to point out injustices and inequalities, and start the ball rolling for change, or at least introspection and discussion. You can use loudness as a weapon, but I prefer to consider it a tool.
I use loudness to try to balance the all-too-often-dominant voices in genre; instead boosting the posts and projects of BIPOC, Black, queer, disabled, and otherwise marginalized writers and indie publishers, the DIY and self-published authors who chose that path for important reasons. I use it to do my best to counter the voices already propped up by white supremacy and misogyny and capitalism and classism. It’s not always successful, but I keep trying, remembering that loudness can only take me so far when I’m still not quite big.
I can be loud when others need someone in the room to be loud for them; indeed it’s much easier for me to be loud on the behalf of another than it is for myself! I can use my voice to defend those who are beset by assholes who only want to tear down the more vulnerable. And I can be loud on panels, on social media, or at events where my influence can be much bigger than my actual size just by virtue of my loudness and enthusiasm.
I use my loudness to spread love.
“Promote what you love” I say and I mean it. As I said above, the best part about being loud is boosting the profile of people and projects I want to see succeed, the ones that aren’t mine. I also am ready to cheer on and cheer up anyone who is doubting themselves, needs a cheerleader, or needs a positive spin on things. I’m going to be in the corner of those who are suffering from impostor syndrome or struggling with a bad review. I know how those things feel! You can learn a lot from them but sometimes you first need someone to point out what’s great about you and what you create.
Does that make me a threat?
Honestly, maybe it does–to people who probably should be threatened by me. And for a lot of the people I challenge, I don’t trust what they have to say anyway, so nothing of value is lost.
To those that I champion? No, I’m in your corner. To myself? Possibly! But that’s been a lifelong problem.
What about you? Do you want to be the biggest person in the room, or the loudest? And if you are the biggest person in the room, who are you being loud for?
