Personal

22 posts
Background is two intercrossed street signs: one reads "Truth" and the other "Love" - overlaid on that is text that reads "The Merits of Being Honest" and the URL christianeknight.com

The Merits of Being Honest

Essays Personal

I’ve talked about this before, in other ways and places. It’s a core tenet of who I am and I think about it so much that I find it necessary to expound on it at length often. Honesty is so deeply at the center of my moral compass that it weaves its way into my stories, my relationships, my whole way of moving through the world.

One of the things I talk about when it comes to how I present on social media and other public places is how important it is to me to be open, vulnerable, and honest. If I have any personal “brand” – such as it is, I really hate that concept – it’s being authentic and real. It’s been suggested that maybe that’s oversharing, and that it conflicts with my warning to folks to be careful with what personal info they share on social media.¹ And sure, I probably do “overshare” in some people’s eyes, and I’m not sorry about that. I purposefully talk about things that may be considered uncomfortable, like my chronic disease and its unpleasant effects, or being an older writer getting a late start, or abusive relationships, or being fat and queer and wanting representation in media, etc etc etc. I’m absolutely transparent about what I go through and the steps I’ve taken to be an independent, self-published author. I give away a lot of information and research I’ve done for free. I do also have a Ko-fi where people can get more of these things in exchange for monetary support, but I’m extremely generous with my experience and time. I try to give to others what would be valuable to me in return.

I don’t do any of this for any other reason than it’s who I am.

I come from a DIY, community-oriented punk background, where if there wasn’t something that you wanted or needed, everyone came together to make it happen. I think it’s community at its best, and you can see it show up in my stories too. In fact, that whole “Together we are stronger” attitude is the backbone of my Eleriannan stories. It overshadows every magical ability and is the glue that makes the characters and stories work.

In my personal life, it’s the bar I set for letting people close to me: you must be honest with me, and I will do the same for you. I’ve ended friendships and relationships over the ongoing inability to be crystal clear and not obfuscate the truth. Yes, even to spare my feelings, because the truth always comes out and lies are the insulting icing on top of the shitty deception cake. In return, I offer the same. You’ll always know where you stand with me. I’m not mean or brusque; you can be honest without being brutal. I’m forthright but not cruel. People get that twisted and it doesn’t need to be that way.

People often do small social white lies to smooth out day-to-day interactions, and I don’t do that.² What I do instead is find other ways to communicate positively without being dishonest. Usually that means when I’m asked my opinion about something and I know my answer isn’t going to be taken well, I find a way to frame it that isn’t negative. Being asked for a review doesn’t mean that I need to shit all over someone’s work if I hated it–especially if it’s someone who is new to writing and is looking for support. In this case I might ask if they want a first impression or constructive feedback. Or I could say something like “This kind of story isn’t generally my cup of tea, but I ____” and name a few things that I did like in the story. Asking if I liked something isn’t the same as asking for a critique, and that applies for most things in life. [Just as talking about a problem isn’t opening the floor for advice!]

I can be honest and not crush someone’s dreams.

I can also recognize that my opinions are just that, and I may not be the right person to criticize another, and so I try not to unless expressly invited to do so. The older I get, the more I find that kindness goes farther than the need to be right or be an expert. Maybe that makes me less exciting to follow on social media, I don’t know. That’s okay. I’m always going to choose kindness. And I’m always going to advocate for honesty. The merits of that? You’ll always know where you stand with me, and I can feel good about how I move in the world.

¹Authenticity on social media doesn’t mean that you should give away clues about your personal life that could put you in danger. It’s up to you to decide where that line is. I talk a lot about very personal things but I keep hidden details like links to where I am at that moment for example, posting them after the fact if I want to give positive attention to the business. Usually I only give those kind of details in a timely manner for things like appearances, where I want fans to find me. Be careful with your address and other identifying info that could arm a potential stalker, okay?
² I used to, don’t get me wrong. I thought I was sparing feelings. That was a mistake born out of good intentions that thankfully someone I cared about addressed in a way that stuck with me. I learned my lesson.

If hope is a taste, what is yours?

1 comment
Events Personal

There’s been a lot going on. I won’t lie, I’m exhausted – but I’m also happy with how the past few weeks have been going. I’ve already talked a bit about Balticon and I just got finished with the Nebula Conference – I took part in panels at both events but as always there’s so many other fantastic discussions that happen at them and it’s a privilege to get to be in the same room, whether in person or virtually.

One thing I deeply enjoy at the Nebulas is the virtual breakout rooms they offer for online participants. I’ve had fantastic conversations there every year that I’ve attended [since 2021!] and I’ve connected with delightful folks. I think that I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: attending the Nebula Conference as a new writer was one of the best decisions I could have made, and I get more from that event, career-wise, than I do any other. It’s an excellent place to build a network and to learn from others who are in every stage of their writing career. You rub shoulders indiscriminately with writers on all levels, and the atmosphere is one of mutual support and sharing.

I firmly believe that I wouldn’t have achieved the level of Associate SFWA member this soon without the things that I learned and the connections I made at the Nebula Conferences I attended.

The only drawback from attending events…

The exhaustion is real, y’all.

Sometimes I can almost forget that I’ve got Crohn’s. Yes, I spend an unreasonable amount of time in bathrooms or thinking about where bathrooms are in case I need to be in one – but it’s been less of a burden lately, thanks to good planning. The brain fog, though. And the exhaustion. And weakness.

I hate all of those things so, so much. They’re the reminders that never actually let me forget about my IBD. I’ve learned to manage them well or at least work around them when I attend events, but the cost is my brain and body power for a while after the event is over.

I’m writing this blog post in pieces, using up my concentration then letting it slowly recharge until I’m capable of coherent thought again, in a carefully controlled cycle. If I wasn’t so tired, I would be unstoppable; my head is full of new ideas and concepts I want to explore and share, especially after interacting with other creative folk.

But my illness won’t let me. Not yet.
That’s the tradeoff. I can go to these events and be social and learn things and speak on panels about things I already know – or I can stay away and spill my thoughts on a page or screen. Like anything, it takes a careful balance.

And of course, the world is currently in turmoil and there’s rising fascism and ongoing genocide and people’s rights being taken away indiscriminately and that all tears at me, small and useless-feeling in the face of all that evil.

Right now I’m dying to share deeper thoughts, but I’ve got blog post concentration levels only. What can you do?
Well, in my case I will continue to slowly work at putting my words together, here and other places. I’ll scrape up the small amount of money that I have to contribute to mutual aid and organizations that have been proven to take action and assist the people who need it more. I’ll keep pestering my congresspeople, reps, and local politicians to enact change and stand against those who want to take away the rights of the less privileged and powerful.

I can only work in small increments. But I still can be useful. I still can flex the tiny power that I have for good.

Oh, tell me that dark could never win the light
Oh, tell me that wrong could never win the right
Baby, tell me that we gon’ some day stop the fight
And tell me that every, everything gon’ be alright

RM & Wale, Change

Title and quote from RM & Wale’s Change, a thoughtful and politically-minded song that came out in 2017 and is still relevant now.
happy new year

Goodbye, 2023

Personal

I’ll be honest: while some good things came out of 2023, this year broke my heart – and tried to break my spirit – in a lot of ways. I can’t say it’s been my worst year. I have a lot of competition in that area! But the challenges and the setbacks have been … well, a lot.

However! Some fantastic things happened too, and I’m still here and so are you. These are worth celebrating! And as I’m always that optimist with a positive mental attitude, I can find more good things to list than bad, despite the challenges I faced. I’m going to share both good and bad parts with you – lets’ start off the new year with a clean slate!

First, the not-great stuff.

Health has been number one, as I’m sure regular readers/supporters are well aware. It’s caused delays, cancellations, and disappointments because it’s impossible for me to predict when I’ll get a flare or have a setback that keeps me away from what I want to do. I had two surgeries this year, and they fixed one issue and gave me a bunch of other issues, yay! I won’t complain because the surgeries are life-saving, but I hate that the after-effects make my life so unpredictable. It keeps me from doing all the events and other fun outings I’d like to do. I want to be out and about and meeting you!

That’s part of number two, as well – fatigue and brain fog have slowed down my writing and podcasting, things that bring me joy. I launched two podcasts and have only done two episodes for each, which was not the plan. But that’s given me reason to reassess a lot of what I do [again] and how I want to do it versus how I’m actually able to do it. This disease is all about learning curves and being able to be flexible in order to do what I want. I hope that y’all can be patient as I’m repeatedly forced to recalibrate my trajectories. I promise that I have some fun plans in the works!

Last selfie of 2023. I’ve changed a lot in a year!

But good things happened, too!

In the positives column, I got the manuscript for A Third Kind of Madness finished on my end and sent off for editing. Yes, I’ve been waiting for a while on it. That’s given me time to start working on a new story, one that’s not tied to the Eleriannan storyscape [gasp!] though it is set in Baltimore. It’s tentatively called A Small Light in the Darkness, which if you’re familiar with my earlier writing, is a phrase I’ve used often to describe the kind of person I want to be in this world. I started out with the idea that it would be a short story but it hasn’t decided yet if I’m right about that. You’ll hear more about it in the future, because you know me, I never can keep quiet when it concerns my stories in progress. That’s probably a fault, but I just get too enamored with my characters to not brag about them. 😉

Taking a rest from thinking about A Third Kind of Madness has been good, as well. It allows me to come back to the work excited and fresh once I get the edits back, and it’s given me some space to think about what I want to offer along with the book once it hits the metaphorical shelves. I already have a few fun merch ideas planned, like [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS] that are referenced in the story.

Back to things that were good this year… I attended Balticon 57 in person, something that I’ve wanted to do since becoming an author! Balticon was the first con I ever attended, back when I was a nerdy 12 year old who didn’t know any other nerdy people. It was like coming home! I was able to participate as an author virtually during the pandemic lockdown, but it wasn’t the same as being there. I even was able to do an author reading with some other authors from Broad Universe! That was a dream come true.

I also was a speaker on my first panel at a con! This was the virtual Flights of Foundry, which is an event that I dearly love. The topic was Stories of the Fat Body, and I was honored to be included with panelists Jennifer Hudak and Jennifer Spirko and moderator Celia Lake. We had a lively discussion about tropes, good and bad fat representation, our own experiences, and what we long to see more of when it comes to fat characters in stories. A fantastic experience all around!

I made new connections with authors, readers, and communities. And I worked on building my own community, a work in progress for sure! My Ko-fi supporters increased and I had great reception for the things I shared with them. And both my books were nominated for MANY categories in the Indie Ink Awards! [Did you vote? You can still vote – I think voting closes on January 1st so hurrryyyy] The list of categories that were selected for both books is amazing and humbling. It’s an honor that y’all see my stories in this way and worthy of nomination.

What’s coming in 2024?

Well that’s the real question, isn’t it? I have plans, my friends. Look for upcoming posts in the beginning of January that will give you all the details, including fun things that I’ll be doing with the Magic Seekers community, my Word of the Year and what it means to me, podcast episodes to come, and a loose schedule of what I’m hoping will happen in the upcoming year.

I hope that you’ll join me, and if you’ve got big plans, feel free to share them! Wishing you a safe and joyful New Year’s Eve and a wonderful start to 2024.

person s hands

Fierce and Fragile

Essays Personal Writing

I am, in turn, fierce and fragile.

My left hand is smooth. On my right, the skin is rougher, from hard work. Because of this, I wear my jumbled pile of black rubber and sterling silver bracelets on my left arm, so they do not get in the way when I Do Things. I make it up to my right arm by the permanent adornment of a black skeleton key tattoo.

Smooth or rough, my hands are strong. I use them to grasp and pull and lift, and then I work with the most sensitive part of my fingers – the tips – and shape and draw wool into yarn with great control and skill. I am capable of extremes.

“What about this thing that you gave
What if it weren’t quite perfect
What if there was something bad about it?
Wouldn’t you still love it just the same?
Wouldn’t you still care about it?”

Victoria Williams, Lights

When I am “up” I am often deliriously happy, in love with the world. No color escapes my sight, no touch from my lover taken for granted. I revel in the cool breezes, the look and feel of my clothing, the way my body moves. I am never more alive than in those moments.

When depression creeps in – sneaky, unnoticed until I am full in the throes – I feel heavy, pained. I notice the same things, but the delight I get from them is muffled, no matter how I try to break free from the web of grey that wraps around me. I am still the same girl, but I am covered in a shroud of melancholy.

And writing that, I feel melodramatic… but it’s true, as much of a truth as my two hands which are part of the same body yet so different. Knowing this, accepting this – it helps. Each hand has its own strengths and weaknesses, its own adornments and looks. That is the way that it is. I can’t reject that. I don’t have to wallow in the weaknesses of my left hand to appreciate that it looks less aged, less haggard. And I don’t have to feel bad about my right hand looking rougher, marked by time; I recognize that it has worked hard and created many beautiful things. Together, they work to write this blog entry and share my words.

I love them both, because they are mine.

A pink haired femme-presenting person with glasses has a speech bubble over their head. Inside that bubble is a cute sad drawing of the human GI system.

Nothing Happened, the End.

A Third Kind of Madness Personal

“I had big plans. I did one of those things on the list. Now I’m paying for it.


Oops.”

– Me, usually

So what happened is this: as previously mentioned, I went to Balticon. There was a live reading! It was great! There were lots of interesting panels! I got fairy hair!

I didn’t even go all four days, y’all. I didn’t stay for any later-night shenanigans. I was at con from about 10:30a – 6p for two days. The con is literally about a 20 minute drive from my house.

But my body? It didn’t like that much, I guess.

ENTER NEW CHALLENGER: STRANGE NEW TYPE OF CROHN’S FLARE

I almost thought I escaped unscathed, y’all. I felt great during the con and got to talk to new people and enjoy readings and panels. It’s the first time I’ve been out socially in so long! And even though nothing ever felt taxing and I didn’t even have issues while I was there, my body reacted. Saturday night, I was feeling “tight” in my middle, like my clothes were restricting.

By Sunday, I knew what was up.

The reason I call it a new type of flare is because it was in a new area for me – lucky me! – and was behaving a lot more aggressively than usual. By aggressive, I mean extremely painful and crampy.

And two weeks later, I’m better, but not great.

This is why things don’t get done. Again, oops!

So basically I’ve been in a state where I’ve done a whole lot of nothing, and that’s terribly frustrating and I hate it. I was so excited to finally be healthy enough to do things! With people! And now my health’s regressed because I dared to try to live, which I guess was a stupid thought.

I’m not letting it stop me, though.

I’ve taken a break, but I’m back to working on A Third Kind of Madness. I’m at the end of the book, y’all! The first draft is almost done! Once I get that wrapped, I’ll go back in and start revising, but revising is a lot easier in some ways so it’ll be refreshing work.

And while that’s going on, I’ll be working on cover concepts some more, plus getting together my promotional ideas, which are going to be FUN and you won’t want to miss out on them. I’ll also be showing you some of my personal projects related to the books, which I do to amuse myself when I can’t do anything else. One of the big ones I’ve been working on is an 11 inch fashion doll restyled to be our Lucee Fearney.

She’s so cute. But next time say something before I write a character with a million little green and black braids all over her head, okay? Because trying to make her hair is taking a time, y’all.

Anyway, that’s been about it, but I wanted to update everyone and keep you in the loop with my plans, progress, and all that. Don’t think that this setback will keep me away from getting out more often! I’m very determined to stay social and visible. I just need to maybe do it differently next time – live and learn!

Before I go, I wanted to mention that I’m, as far as I know, still in the running in the SPFBO, and if you’d like to check out some of the other books that are in the competition, you can easily do that here: https://books.bookfunnel.com/spfbo9collectthemall/xzujgxbn9f

The contest is full of SO many different types of fantasy! You will be able to fill your TBR list to overflowing! [Don’t ask about my TBR list, oh jeez] If you’re interested in learning about more fantastic indie authors, this is a great way to do so.

Thanks for reading, and I’ll check back in soon!

A journal with writing in it and a pencil lying in the fold is overlaid with a photo of Min Yoongi and the text My Secret pen pal, a confession, and a wish for you

My Secret Pen Pal Revealed

Personal

When I write journal entries these days, I address them to Yoongi. He’s like a secret pen-pal, except these are letters that I’ll never mail, to a person I’ll never know.

There’s a good chance you’re asking who that is, so let me explain.

Min Yoongi [ 민윤기 ] is part of the rap line in the Korean band Bangtan Sonyeondan – 방탄 소년단 – otherwise known as BTS, where he goes by his stage name SUGA. He’s also a solo musician under the name Agust D. He recently released the last album in his trilogy using that name, a series of works that delve deep into his pain, fears, and inner workings in a way that is astonishingly vulnerable and soul-shaking.

I’m used to people tuning out or worse when I mention BTS, which is something that deserves its own essay, because I’ve seen too many folks dismiss them for superficial [or racist] reasons that have nothing to do with their music. But if you’ve ever struggled at all with mental health, or fighting your way up from nothing, or battling yourself as you try to heal and understand who you are and can be, Yoongi has words for you. He’s got empathy and shared tales of pain and insight to spare. And hope, so much hope to share with us.

From SUGA's KKUL FM: a listener says "I gave up on my dream" and SUGA responds "I don't know what circumstances you were in, but I think you must have had tremendous courage. Giving something up decisively takes lots of courage. And, you worked hard. Fighting."
Quote from Yoongi: translated/shared thanks to DoolsetBangtan.

He wants you to dream, but he also tells you that it’s okay if you don’t have one. He advises that quitting decisively is also a form of courage. Those are messages that are rare to hear in this world where everything’s about measured and flaunted successes. He even honestly points out that for a long time he fell into that trap of being greedy for success, a shadow that almost swallowed him.

He understands that failing also teaches important lessons, and pain can lead to breakthroughs, if we dare to face it so that we can understand why we’re in pain. Again, it’s a message that doesn’t get said enough.

I started addressing my journal entries to Yoongi about a year ago. Things were going really poorly for me, health-wise, and I was deeply depressed and scared and felt very alone. Those feelings also dredged up a lot of past trauma, because even when you’re healed or as close as you can be healed from past events, they still live in your brain. [see Agust D’s Amygdala, which I mention below]

I don’t really have people I can tell all the details about the things I feel when it comes to my illness. I mean, I could tell some of the ones I’m close to, but I don’t want to. There’s a lot of reasons for that, but one of the big ones is that it changes how I feel when I talk to them. I’m not worried about the ones I trust most being disturbed or uncomfortable by what I tell them. I don’t think it would affect how they see me. But it would change the nature of how I see my relationship with them, and I would feel like yet another thing was the victim of my disease.

I know that isn’t based in anything solid or real. But that’s how I feel.

So I confess to someone who I don’t know except through his songs and media presence, in a journal I write on paper in my language, which even if he could see, he probably couldn’t read because his main language is Korean. And of course he has no idea who I am at all.

In those pages, I can tell this imaginary version of a musician who lives on the other side of the planet all my fears and pains and damage without judgment and with no fear of being ignored or misinterpreted. I don’t have to worry that he’s too busy or that I’m scaring him. If he could read it, he’d understand. That’s something I know in my heart.

Image taken from Agust D's Amygdala video, featuring a long haired Yoongi in tattered grey clothes, reaching out to another Yoongi sleeping fitfully on a black couch.
A still from the Amygdala video.

This week he released the MV for his new song Amygdala. [SERIOUS trigger warning for the video; if you want to hear the song and read the translated lyrics instead, go here. If you can handle the video it is a beautiful but heart-wrenching piece of art that visually explains his struggles. I also suggest looking up some of the analysis of the song to understand more of the story and symbolism.]
It is the most raw and vulnerable dive into the pains and trials that made him who he is now. I can admit that I bawled the first time I watched it, just like I did the first time I heard the song. Even before I got the English translation, I could feel the hurt, the anguish, the search for answers within himself in the music. It was painful to witness, but also a cathartic moment for me.

Like Yoongi, I’ve had a terribly hard life. I don’t say that lightly, or to gain sympathy from people. In fact, so many people that I know – and know well – don’t even have any idea about most of the things I’ve been through.

The clues for a lot of the challenges I’ve faced are in my writing although a few of the worst may never come forth for reasons that are less about me and more about protecting others who could get hurt.

One day. Perhaps.

But also like Yoongi, I write about those times and situations for two important reasons. One is to face them and work through how they affect me. The other? It’s to connect with others who have gone through similar things and hopefully give them something they need. Maybe it’s just being seen, or perhaps there’s advice or catharsis for them in my writing. It could be as simple as feeling less alone.

I’m willing to be vulnerable if it means that someone else can get help or solace from what I share. It’s one of the first things I liked about Yoongi, too. If talking about how we’ve suffered can help even one more person get through bad times, we will do it without hesitation. And we want others to feel safe to do the same.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s a personal share, I know. I’ve told absolutely no-one until now that I, a 56-year-old English-speaking USian person who is known for being a fantasy author and a goth/industrial DJ, writes journal entries addressed to a 30-year-old K-pop idol, rapper, producer, musician who has no idea I am.

This is me being vulnerable, too. I’m giving you insight into one of my coping mechanisms.

I’m telling you because I want you to be able to talk about the things that haunt and hurt you. I want you to find it possible to be vulnerable and open, and to heal and grow. And I can say with all the confidence in the world, that even though I don’t actually know Min Yoongi, he want that for you, too.

Even if you have to start out by telling someone you don’t know through letters to them in your journal, I hope you find a way to let your pain out. When you face it and find your way to work through it, you leave so much more room for joy, for love, for hope.

I can’t tell you that everything will be better. But I can tell you that even if you don’t know me and I don’t know you, I’m out here cheering you on, hoping for you to heal and grow and thrive and dream.

And even though Yoongi may not be aware of either of us, I know he feels the same.

Note: This was difficult to write and share, but I did it anyway. Finding a title for it even more so, because everything felt trite after this deep confession. If it resonated with you, it was all worth it.

A tarot deck with the Star card on top, text that says The Power To Pivot, Photo by Photo by Viva Luna Studios on Unsplash

The Power to Pivot

On Creating Personal Writing

This isn’t about writing, not exactly.

It’s about how life can change in the blink of an eye. And it’s about how those changes can be traumatic but also can usher in a new – and possibly better – phase of one’s life.

In tarot, the Tower card is generally viewed with trepidation, if not some well-founded fear. It’s all about seismic change, the upheaval of everything you’ve become accustomed to, whether you like it or not. Sometimes that means chaotic change. Other times that change, although life-altering and possibly painful, leads to better or at least more grounded things. A lot of the time, how it resolves depends on how you respond to the events.

Thing is, inside that Tower moment, everything sucks. It’s traumatic! Change, especially unexpected change, is difficult to process and often painful. But it can lead to transformation, too. There’s a reason why the Star, a card of hope, follows the Tower.

For a lot of people, the COVID lockdown was a Tower moment, and understandably so. There were so many changes in such quick succession! Even now, things are different than they used to be in many ways, and we’re still figuring some things out. For me, the lockdown was actually the transition from the Tower to the Star.

See, I was rushed to the hospital with my emergency small bowel resection at the end of August 2019. THAT was my Tower moment: I could have died, it restructured everything that I knew about life, and I was put out of commission for months. I’ve written plenty about it, but here’s where the title of this text comes into play – because just when I started to pick up the pieces of my life and contemplate returning to what I used to do, COVID showed up and kicked all those plans in the nuts.

You might know that I was a full time fiber artist before I wrote In Sleep You Know. It’s a very physical job that had me doing a lot of events and making yarn and fibers to sell every day. I loved it, and I was doing pretty well at it before everything went bust pun intended]… but I was feeling pretty burned out, too.

In part, that’s because I’d been sick for a while but I didn’t really understand that. Crohn’s presented a lot of symptoms that I excused as being “just a touchy digestive system” or “a picky gut.” I mean, you feel like that every day and you learn to adapt or convince yourself that you’re just being a big baby about it or whatever. Also, I hadn’t had much luck in getting doctors to take me seriously, so there was that. So I was tired and in pain a lot, and that made it difficult to do what I loved, and tough to love what I did.

I’d actually just started coming back to working with fiber and doing shows after the surgery when the lockdown happened. My last show was in March of 2020. I was so happy to be there but physically, I was miserable. I was wondering if I was ever going to be able to do a bigger event again.

I was ready for the pivot. I just didn’t know it yet.

I spent some time over that first Lockdown Summer doing online teaching and a creativity group. I love teaching but there’s a different skillset that you need to do it through video, especially for something hands-on like spinning yarn. I adapted, but I didn’t love it. And my medical treatment wasn’t doing enough, so I was tired all the time… and depressed. I could feel the depression looming. It had been building since the surgery, because so much changed, including me and my body.

One day, I was digging around in my files, and I pulled out an old story fragment that I’d written a while back. I re-read it, and my spark to spin tales reignited. Suddenly, I had motivation again, as the story of Merrick and Aisling and the Eleriannan started to blossom in my mind, and I began to write down the new story that came from that fragment.

At first it was just something to entertain myself. Escapism, maybe? A Baltimore with a secret Fae population was a lot more exciting than a city where no one could see each other face-to-face. But as the story grew and my love of writing came back to the forefront, I began to wonder… could I publish this? Could I become an actual “legitimate” author, and not just someone who used to get published in small press ‘zines?

I whispered the idea to a few friends, slipped one or two people an excerpt. I was enthusiastically encouraged to keep going. My confidence built, and then I decisively proclaimed one day, “I am writing a book! I will be publishing it soon!”

Pivot achieved.

Obviously, a LOT more happened after I made my great pronouncement. But the act of claiming it for my own, that was the important point.

It took more work on my part to start telling people that I am an author rather than a fiber artist. That has been my major identity for almost 20 years! I’m still a fiber artist, of course, just like I’m still a DJ even though I don’t spin music at clubs or on the air anymore. Those are part of my identity.

But these days, being a published, honest-to-goats author is my main identity, and it’s one I dreamed about since I learned to write. So in a way the pivot is me coming back to my earliest sense of self. A homecoming, if you will.

There’s so much power in that. Here I am, living my childhood dream.

I didn’t get here in the way I expected, but if it wasn’t for that Tower moment I might not have ever have found my guiding Star.

Sculpture of tall poles that taper at the top like hair against blue sky and pink clouds. Text says "reach for the sky"

2023: Reach For The Sky

1 comment
Goals On Creating Personal

First and foremost, Happy New Year to you, my readers and supporters – without you, I’d just be yelling into the void and listening to these voices in my head instead of writing their stories down to share! You are the reason for everything and I hope your year to come is filled with everything good and fulfilling. 💜

Even before this time of the year – the annual musing on endings/beginnings days – got here, I’ve been thinking about what I want to change about how I’m living. It’s reflected in my Word of the Year, which is Embrace. I’ve been living a life with many restrictions since before the pandemic started, when I had my first emergency surgery and subsequently had my diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. Basically, I was out of commission from the end of August 2019, then when started to get healed to the point where I was able to live a life again, everything went into lockdown. Surprise! Then my health began to spiral downwards again, so I wasn’t interested in doing much anyway.

Ironically, during this time I did write and publish two books, the first ones in the Eleriannan series. So despite being restricted, I continued to create and grow. However, 2022 has been the most challenging for me since the end of 2019. I was sick and miserable, unable to do much or feel safe in leaving the house for anything but short errands. In fact, the last time I did anything fun or challenging was when I was a vendor at the Baltimore Faerie Faire back in April. That was a blast, and I’m so glad I did it, because not long after my body went into a Crohn’s flare and there I stayed until my eventual surgery in September. Then there was the second surgery in November, and a recovery that’s felt like an uphill climb.

Finally, finally, I feel like myself again. Well, mostly? It’ll take time to regain stamina and strength, but I’m feeling re-energized and more alive than I have in ages. That bodes well for you as a reader, because I’m back to writing daily, making steady progress on Stories of the Eleriannan #3, which I’ll be talking about more in coming days! My writing schedule has been kinder and more in sync with my current abilities and energy levels.

Image of Min Yoongi aka SUGA of BTS dressed in white in front of a grey wall. Text/caption reads "I think I'm also gonna try something really big this year"
I’m following your lead, Yoongi.

Back in August, I wrote a list of Reach For the Sky Big Achievements that I want to happen in my writing career. These are goals that the parts of my mind that are rational and nay-saying look at and just bust a gut laughing at my audacity. But you know what? I’m a huge believer that if you don’t put it out there, it won’t happen.
I think I’ve written about these goals somewhere in public before, but again, it hurts nothing to put them out there again. I mean, I’m sure some people will read this and also laugh at my audacity. It’s cool, go ahead! It is audacious, and that’s the point. If you don’t dream about a seemingly unreachable future, how can you even get halfway there?

So in no particular order, here is my List of Future Achievements:

  • published short stories that I’m paid for
  • several bestsellers [by some unidentified metric]
  • to be a panelist at cons [ult goals are Balticon, Nebula Conference, World Fantasy Con, Worldcon]
  • to be a Guest of Honor at any of the above
  • to win a Nebula and/or Hugo
  • to run a writer’s class and be paid fairly for it
  • to get 50+ positive ratings on each of my books
  • to have created a body of work

Reminder: I said these were reach for the sky. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t out of reach. The important thing, in my opinion, is to create goals that are HUGE and RIDICULOUS. Aim for things that seem impossible, then structure your plans so that every step in that direction brings growth. Even if you never make the big goals, you’ll have an amazing outcome.

And let me say this, because it’s important: this is what works for me. You don’t have to have goals like these, or goals at all! I am a very goal-driven person and I use manifestation energy to great success, but I know not everyone works like that. For every method there’s a bunch of people who do it differently, and it’s important to use what works for you.

So how do I plan to work toward these goals? I’ll be sharing my steps with lots of personal detail and insight over on my Ko-fi, in the Writer’s Life and Craft tier. Successes and failures included! I hope you’ll join me over there. Even the free tier often gets updates that I don’t post over here!

Do you have any “Impossible” goals? I’d love it if you’d share in the comments!

An overhead sign reads: you're not lost you're here. Text on the image reads embrace, my word of the year. Photo by Eileen Pan at Unsplash

2023 is the Year to Embrace

1 comment
Personal Writing

Every year I choose a word to represent everything I want to embody in the next 365 days. It’s a very personal choice that I share with my readers because one of my superpowers is vulnerability – and sometimes oversharing. If you know me, you know. This year, the word is Embrace.

Also if you know me, and in this sense I mean if you’ve been following me on any platform, you know that 2022 was pretty challenging for me. It’s been a year of setbacks and delays in both my professional and personal lives, with lots of enforced down time. For someone like me, not being able to create or produce is like torture. I just didn’t have the mental capacity or energy to follow through with anything important as I dealt with my increasingly bad health.

Now that I’m [hopefully, knock on wood] through this challenging phase and well into a healing and recovery one, I am looking forward to things that I’ve had to put aside or delay. I’m finally feeling like I can make some plans and fulfill some dreams. I want to begin again to live in an active, rather than passive, way.

Embrace is a noun and a verb

I always take my time to consider fully what the words that I’m considering as representation of my year mean in all definitions. I like nuanced words, words that are playful. Embrace is one of those words to me, as it encompasses a lot of variety in meaning.

The definitions that resonate the most with me, and that I want to add into my life are:

  • to clasp in the arms in affection
  • to accept something willingly
  • to form a ring or circle around
  • to assimilate or incorporate into a body, structure, or system
  • to hold in one’s mind or imagination
  • to address or meet with expressions of friendliness or welcome
  • The process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable
  • Loving care and protection provided by someone or something
Definitions thanks to Word Hippo

Some of these things are actions I can personally take, and create within myself and my life. Others are ones I want to have happen to me, and I can facilitate making them happen by what I choose to pursue. They relate to my health, or my career, or relationships. I’ll do my best to use this word and its meanings to guide my life for the next year.

Do you choose a Word of the Year? If so, what’s yours for 2023?

Woman with long hair pulled back wearing a white shirt and dark pants is in a dancing pose. Text overlaid says No Language Just Sound. Photo by Leon Liu on Unsplash.

Dance: no language, just sound

On Creating Personal

I’m going to talk about dancing, because I haven’t done that here yet and I’ve loved dancing just as long as I’ve loved music/singing and writing, which is to say pretty much my entire life.

CW: talk about disordered eating and exercising

My love of dance is one of the things that’s shaped me. And dancing and music are important in my Eleriannan stories, though I haven’t written one that focuses directly on dancing. [yet!]

I started ballet along with tap and jazz in elementary school, like a lot of AFAB kids in the US do. We were pretty poor but Mom knew I dreamed of being a ballerina, so she did her best to get me classes, at least until she got too busy with work to take me and pick me up.

I was able to do at least one recital before I stopped going to dance classes. But I continued to practice, doing my barre and floor warmups anywhere I could. I made up my own routines and would often stay up late dancing in my room when I should be asleep.

Later, in high school, I fell in with the theater people and that became my life.

We had an unofficial dance troupe and would dance at talent shows, school dances, or in random places. By the way, this is where I got over my fear of being in front of a crowd. [I have a whole another thread I could write about my time with the Thespian Society and the theater group and how that shaped me.]

Somewhere in here, lost to time and foggy brain cells, is when I was told in no uncertain terms that I would never be a professional dancer, especially a ballerina. I wasn’t tall and thin. I had great poise and technique but I was getting too busty.

I started exercising and stretching and dancing all the time. I didn’t eat enough. I went to college for theater and minored in dance and worked out constantly – weight lifting and swimming added to everything else – and I hated the food and I was depressed, so I ate even less. I dropped weight and I still wasn’t thin enough. *

In my beginner ballet class, which was my only path for getting ballet for college credits, my teacher praised me for my “good feet” and positions and control and asked if I’d danced before. Heh.

My modern dance teacher liked my fearlessness and technique.

Image of a woman with light brown skin and hair pulled back in a tight bun standing with her hand outstretched to the camera in a dancer's pose. Focus is on her hand. Photo by Olivia Bauso on Unsplash.
Photo by Olivia Bauso on Unsplash

Aside: I was majoring in theater. I eventually dropped out because the theater department wouldn’t cast me in anything – not because I lacked skill, but because I dyed my hair and shaved the sides and OMG I wasn’t leading lady material anymore. To which I replied, “I didn’t want those roles anyway, I like character roles. And haven’t you heard of WIGS?” Seriously, what the hell.

So I dropped out, and for a while my life was turbulent and I didn’t dance much. I starved, and I got too thin, which still wouldn’t have been thin enough to be a ballerina, ironically. And then I started going to clubs that played goth music and alternative college music and I started dancing for fun again. I would dance all night, using all the skills I knew to express the music. It was so freeing! No routines, just the music and my body and the flashing lights and atmosphere. Everyone else around me, doing the same thing. It was heaven.

I never did dance with an organized group again.

I continued going to goth clubs, and eventually I became a DJ and ran a night and would often be one of the first people on the dance floor, encouraging others to get out there and move. I like goth clubs. Sure, there are elitists – there are in any scene. But in general, they’re a great equalizer. Anyone can get out there and dance, and you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it. No one cares. I’ve seen amazing dancers and ones who just do what I call the gothic two-step [you know, one to the right, then back to the left] or just sway to the tunes. It’s all great! Some people get aggressive, others swirl around. Some are really built and fit and often will show off their bodies in their moves on the floor. Others are curvy or rounder or very thin and they also get out there and move to the music and it’s beautiful every time. Speaking as both a dancer and a DJ, there’s nothing more entrancing to watch than a dance floor full of every type of body and style, all moving together yet in their own worlds.

Before I knew I had Crohn’s, my weight started fluctuating wildly and I didn’t know why. I danced every weekend and walked everywhere, it didn’t make sense. But my family has this extra-curvy body type, so I figured it was just fate. I didn’t link my gastric problems to that at all. Despite having lots of issues, I still was walking long distances and dancing all night. Even up to the day I had to rush to the ER with my bowel perforation, I had been going to the gym to work out regularly and dancing all the time.

After that surgery, things got harder.

I couldn’t bend properly at my waist for a long time. When I say properly, I mean freely, without having to think about the movement and what I might mess up internally – stitches, a surgical hernia. It sucked. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than 10lbs either, and I had no stamina.

Eventually I started doing barre exercises in the kitchen again [that’s my favorite place to do those – a kitchen counter makes a great barre] and slowly regaining my stamina. I started doing “tiny little goth club” sessions in my bedroom late at night, with disco lights and everything. I’m sure my neighbors were confused by the flashing lights coming from my window!

And then, just recently… two more surgeries. I was back to limited bending and no stamina again. I’ve *just* started feeling like I can dance and bend, even though I’m actually still healing the surgical wound. My disease makes healing slow, but I can’t stop dancing. At this point I’m almost 56, chubby, with creaky dancer’s knees and a chronic illness that gives me extra inflammation and fluctuating weight.

I’m not letting that stop me. Movement to music is in my blood, in my soul.

I’ll always be a dancer, no matter what anyone else thinks. No one can take that from me.

* The incessant starving/overexercising certainly didn’t help my Crohn’s, either. I’ve suffered through disordered eating most of my life and it definitely affected my body in ways I’ll never recover from. Don’t do it, y’all.
ps – title comes from lyrics to Transmission by Joy Division