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hands with pale skin on a laptop keyboard, typing. There are question marks in the air and the text The Big Why.

A Big Why for 2023

I’ve been writing this post about writing stories with hope, and I was about a third of the way through when I stalled out. It isn’t that I don’t have a lot to say about writing hopeful stories, or why I think we need them. It’s just that something more personally important to me took over my brain and insisted that I write about it first. Okay, brain, you win.

I’ve been thinking about the Big Why, as in “Why do you do X thing?” aka “What’s your motivation?” It’s been on my mind for a while, actually, combined with thoughts about legacy and how much fame is enough. It’s all entwined together in my thoughts, so I’ve been pulling at the threads.

I’ll be 56 at the end of the year. Even though I don’t feel old, creeping time and a body dealing with chronic illness have really brought those thoughts to the forefront. A brush with death will really make you question what you’re doing with your life! In my case, I’ve been considering the path I’ve taken and what I want to achieve with it. It comes down to three big questions:

  • What have I done?
  • Where am I going?
  • What will I leave behind?

What I’ve done [so far]

I can’t be mad at the list of things I’ve done so far. It isn’t “distinguished” or “laudable” I suppose, but I managed to achieve so many things I always wanted to do.

I’ve got the ridiculous job list of: performer, musician, DJ [both club and radio], fiber artist, small business owner, writer, teacher of arts, professional cook, barista and coffee roaster, office manager, restaurant manager, occult bookstore/botánica manager, boutique manager, and for a short while… clown. Some of those jobs were things I’d dreamed about doing, like being a DJ and singing in a band.

If you’ve read my books you’ll see many of these jobs come up as things the supporting characters do for a living. Food service in particular is a forgiving occupation and perfect for those who might be considered outsiders. Bar/club jobs, too. They allow musicians, writers, and other creatives a way to make a living, because creative pursuits aren’t generally lucrative until you reach the big time, and sometimes not even then. Those jobs allowed me to pay bills and also look the way I wanted to look, with brightly dyed hair and piercings. These days it’s more accepted, but I had a lot of rejections back in the day thanks to my style alone. As that was something that brought me joy, I didn’t compromise, and found ways to make it work. Those values show up in my characters, too. They believe in who they are and how they want to be seen in the world.

Now I write full time, and I share the stories with the world that I’ve been creating since I knew what a story was. I am not a well-known writer, though I’m making strides in getting my name out there. There are a lot of other writers out there, and although I don’t look at any other creative as competition but rather as a colleague, it does make it a little harder to be seen and noticed. I know that it takes time and hard work to establish oneself. But I do worry that I’ll never get the readership that I’ve dreamed of having. It takes so much labor to get one’s books seen and picked up by anyone!

Where am I going?

Here’s part of what’s been kicking around my brain: what do I expect from this, from being an author? The concept of fame and what it gives – and its toll – have been something I’ve thought deeply about.* I am quite far from being famous right now, and maybe it’s presumptuous of me to even think about being well known in the SFF world, or any other world. I don’t want fame as much as knowing that there are enough people out there enjoying my work that I’ll know that I left at least the smallest ripple on the water. It’s an “I was here, dammit!” but also a “I felt this, and if you did too, I wrote things that will make you feel less alone – did you find them?”

I can’t control how my legacy is finalized. But I can keep doing the things that I do best, and I can keep trying to improve on them. I can continue to share my words and thoughts and encourage others who want to follow the same path that I’m on. I can pay attention to the world around me, especially the parts that are different from the ones I’ve experienced, and talk about them in my stories, and in social media. I can contribute money and time and words to the causes that I think need me.
It’s not any different than what I’m already doing, though.

What else? I can keep making connections. I can do my best to educate myself, both in honing my craft and how to connect better on behalf of my works. I can keep working to make myself a better person. I can keep building community by sharing what I’ve learned and by lifting other creatives up, especially those with less privilege than me. I can continue to be open, honest, and vulnerable about my struggles and triumphs. I can try to keep myself positively focused, even when things are a struggle.

In my dreams, I want to have written books that are widely read, the kind that somehow win prizes and acclaim and get my name in the conversations with other authors with the same kind of themes and goals. I’d like to sit on panels about kind stories and the power of hope in SFF and bringing magic into urban landscapes that aren’t all gentrified. I want to attend more conventions and other events [health willing, of course] and feel like I actually have a peer group and that I belong there. Some of these goals I can’t control, but there are enough here that I can actually put effort into manifesting. Let’s see what the future holds, shall we?

What will I leave behind?

That’s the big question, the one I can’t answer. Will I be forgotten? Will my stories disappear? Will my legacy be a moderately infamous small goth club night that happened during the late 90s/early 00s in Central VA, and some remnants of my personal musical taste that linger? Or will I be able to leave something more lasting and [hopefully] more impactful?

In some ways, I guess it’s none of my business. I won’t be here to take joy in what people say after I’m gone, so I’d better focus on what I do now.

I promise that I’ll always be open and honest with you, reader. Maybe [probably] oversharing at times, because I have a policy of showing the lows and the highs equally. I’ve had a lot of people tell me that it’s helped them, to see their struggles mirrored in what I share. Maybe that’s my legacy. I don’t know. Maybe a legacy really doesn’t matter if I help someone now.

* I wanted to share the new track from RM’s latest, Indigo, here. It’s called 들꽃놀이 [Wild Flower] and the lyrics are deeply personal and talk about fame and the toll it takes. I’ve probably cried over it a hundred times since it released a couple of days ago.

Even before the start, I imagined
An end where I could applaud and smile
That’s what I wishеd for
When everything I bеlieved in grew distant
When all this fame turned into shackles
Please take my desire away from me
No matter what it takes
Oh, let me be myself

들꽃놀이 Wild Flower, RM
Photo by Masaaki Komori on Unsplash

It Shall Pass 지나가

There’s a lot about my personal life that I haven’t shared on this platform before, but I think it might be time to change that. I’m sorry, this is probably going to be long.

I’m not difficult to know, not at all. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter you’ll see that my self-claimed title of “exuberant oversharer” is well-deserved. I don’t steer away from uncomfortable subjects, especially when it comes to myself. I’m a firm believer in normalizing difficult or awkward topics, so I am open and honest. That’s a tricky path to walk as a semi-public figure, let me tell you.

One thing I’ve been increasingly forthright about is my health and specifically, what it’s like for me to live with Crohn’s Disease. I specify “for me” because everyone’s experience varies, of course. I’ve mentioned that some of the events I’d planned to attend fell through for me, and I think I’ve also talked about how writing the current WIP has slowed down because of my Crohn’s as well. The truth is that I’ve been miserably sick, which I hate to admit because I despise feeling weak or unable to do the things I love. But it’s the truth, and I think it’s important to acknowledge it.

Forgive me if I tell you things that you already know here, but for those who don’t know about Crohn’s, here’s a rundown of what it’s about. It ain’t sexy by a long shot, but this is something that needs to be normalized talking about as well!

Crohn’s Disease is a type of Inflammatory Bowel Disease. What that means is that my immune system thinks that parts of my digestive tract are Bad Guys and goes after them like misguided little superheroes. That has led to a lifetime of undiagnosed pain and issues which finally got a name when it all unexpectedly went to hell about three years ago.

I had a sudden trip to the ER, a surprise surgery to put my busted guts back together, and a long recovery that included 11 days total in the hospital and an extended, unpleasant infection that I learned to take care of myself. GOOD TIMES, right?

It took about a year to get an official diagnosis and some treatment. That’s pretty normal, and terribly frustrating for the person waiting on that diagnosis. Medications for Crohn’s are in a couple of different classes, and approach treating the disease through different paths. I went on a two-medication approach that included a biologic. For a while, that made things better — not resolved, I didn’t go into remission — but it was tolerable, mostly.

Then I failed out of the meds I was using. What that means is that they were obviously not doing the job anymore, and my doctor and I could see that things were getting worse.

I should mention that these drugs are SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE. If I didn’t have the coverage that I have [thanks Obama] I would be paying thousands of dollars for *each* treatment. The drug I’ve recently been moved to has an average retail price, without insurance/coupons/etc, of $4600 a dose. Why so much? There’s no generic for this one as of now. Guess who didn’t like that at all? My insurance. I had come off the previous prescriptions in order to get my body ready for the new meds, and then my insurance started dragging their feet. That went on for months, which allowed my Crohn’s to ramp back up in that unmedicated gap. I have an entire rant about insurance and pharmaceutical companies having so much power, but I’ll save that for another time.

The State of Me right now is that I started the new meds, and then about a week before my first self-administered shot, I started feeling weird. I quickly determined that I had a flare coming on, and it was going to be a doozy. A flare for me means lots of lower quadrant bowel pain – right around where I originally had my resection – fatigue, and uncomfortable bathroom issues. This time I also was having chills, and then an inability to eat much. I started dropping weight rapidly, and I was frantic trying to find things to consume that would keep me going and staying functional.

“Everyday I pray

내가 좀 더 나은 어른이 될 수 있게

that I can be a little better grownup

And everyday I stay

사람도 아픔도 언젠가는 죽기에

Because all humans and all the pains eventually die

무뎌지려면 바람을 맞아야 하잖아

We have to face the wind to become numb

꿈 속에서는 영원할 수가 없잖아

Nothing can last forever in the dream

힘내란 뿌연 말 대신

Instead of those vague words to cheer me up, 

다 그렇다는 거짓말 대신

instead of those lies that this is how it is supposed to be,

그저 이 모든 바람 바람처럼 지나가길 I pray

I pray that it shall pass just like all these winds”

– RM/Kim Namjoon, “지나가 Everythinggoes”

What happened after that was a CT scan and then a five day hospital stay to get rid of and infection in that area. And now I have a plan to have a second resection, this time to hopefully eliminate the stricture and possible fistula that formed after surgery #1.

Most people who have Crohn’s and have a resection surgery will end up with another. In my case, it was an emergency resection thanks to a catastrophic situation, and that made everything more complicated. I’m honestly lucky to be alive.

All that said, it still is extremely frustrating to be hampered by my illness. I wrote ISYK and CASOD while I was in a good period of health, and they went pretty quickly. The current manuscript is in a holding pattern right now because I barely have enough energy and brains to get through a day while sitting on my couch and staring at the computer, much less trying to focus on a plotline and put the words to the screen. It’s also extremely depressing to be in this state, which does nothing for my creativity. But as Kim Namjoon sings, 지나가. It shall pass.

I’ll have my creativity back, and my energy. I’m a determined and focused person, I know I can do this. Hell, I can’t write a book right now, but I’m learning Korean! I can’t walk for extended distances, but I can freestyle in one spot in my kitchen. [No, I won’t post videos of that!] And I can try to keep in contact with all of you and let you know what happens in my life.

Everything, everything, everything goes.

ps – this is a song that’s given me immeasurable amounts of strength during the past days, so I wanted to share it with you.

Translation thanks to Doolset