But if she was nervous, then it was up to him to make her feel more secure, right? That was what Grum always told him. “When you’re the biggest person in the room, you have to put the smaller ones at ease. Otherwise you’ll always be a threat, and you can’t trust anything a threatened person says or does as being true.”
[Ettir, from the upcoming Eleriannan novel]
I am not a big person.
Okay, let me expand on that statement a little. [yes, the pun, the pun]
I am a fat person, and my personality can be pretty big. But I am neither tall nor intimidating in appearance. I don’t have a lot of industry pull in any of the industries I’ve been involved in. I was a name that some people knew and respected–or despised, usually without actually knowing me–in both fiber arts and the goth/industrial music scene.
In the world of SFF, I’m a tiny sprout who gets some recognition but has a long way to go. That’s okay! I have no desire to rush my growth or increase my platform before I’m ready or deserving. My influence is small, and my audience is still pretty intimate. That’s not a bad thing. I know I’ll get there on my own time. But it means I can’t count on any kind of status to draw attention to the things I want to see succeed, or the things I want to see change. I have to do it a different way.
What I AM is loud.
This is a thing that anyone can do, although being loud can cost you. Being loud often makes people nervous, much like how Etttir’s Grum warned him about. Being loud makes you look bigger than you are, which is intimidating. That’s why I make sure to be loudest in service and support to other people and bigger causes.
It’s also easier to be loud about things that aren’t your own. You don’t feel like you’re taking up all the oxygen in the room. You don’t feel like you’re hawking your own projects constantly. And people will pay more attention to you if you’re making it about other people and causes more than you do yourself.
Loudness can be a kindness.
It takes the pressure off of those who are struggling to get the word out. It points out places that need attention to those who might be able to help. It can be employed to point out injustices and inequalities, and start the ball rolling for change, or at least introspection and discussion. You can use loudness as a weapon, but I prefer to consider it a tool.
I use loudness to try to balance the all-too-often-dominant voices in genre; instead boosting the posts and projects of BIPOC, Black, queer, disabled, and otherwise marginalized writers and indie publishers, the DIY and self-published authors who chose that path for important reasons. I use it to do my best to counter the voices already propped up by white supremacy and misogyny and capitalism and classism. It’s not always successful, but I keep trying, remembering that loudness can only take me so far when I’m still not quite big.
I can be loud when others need someone in the room to be loud for them; indeed it’s much easier for me to be loud on the behalf of another than it is for myself! I can use my voice to defend those who are beset by assholes who only want to tear down the more vulnerable. And I can be loud on panels, on social media, or at events where my influence can be much bigger than my actual size just by virtue of my loudness and enthusiasm.
I use my loudness to spread love.
“Promote what you love” I say and I mean it. As I said above, the best part about being loud is boosting the profile of people and projects I want to see succeed, the ones that aren’t mine. I also am ready to cheer on and cheer up anyone who is doubting themselves, needs a cheerleader, or needs a positive spin on things. I’m going to be in the corner of those who are suffering from impostor syndrome or struggling with a bad review. I know how those things feel! You can learn a lot from them but sometimes you first need someone to point out what’s great about you and what you create.
Does that make me a threat?
Honestly, maybe it does–to people who probably should be threatened by me. And for a lot of the people I challenge, I don’t trust what they have to say anyway, so nothing of value is lost.
To those that I champion? No, I’m in your corner. To myself? Possibly! But that’s been a lifelong problem.