Essay

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How?

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Essays Personal

How do we keep going? How do we put one foot in front of the other, over and over, moving toward an unnamed goal that somehow has a million hopeful and beautiful inner images to illustrate it on our internal vision board even though we can never fully pin it down?

How can we keep that focus when the world is burning all around us? We seem doomed to keep repeating the patterns of the past, the hatred and need to subjugate those deemed lesser, more expendable, worth only what can be extracted from those with more money and power and the right background and gender and skin tone.

How can I keep hope alive when I see the atrocities that humans perpetuate daily? So many of us look away, glad that it’s not us or those we love, turning back to our mundane daily issues that keep us from contemplating how close to ruin we are every day, both personal and planetary.

And how can I keep doing all the small things that mean a lot to me but nothing in the greater scheme without feeling like I’m betraying the world, ignoring what’s actually happening? How do I stand up and say “I have books for you; please buy them” when I know so many people begging for mutual aid just to keep their housing or pay medical bills or eat?

There’s no easy answer to these questions.

I ask myself these things every week, sometimes multiple times a week. I struggle over them. I am one small dot in this world, with no power or money and a failing body. What can I do?

I get loud. I advocate for people and things I want to support. I try to put my money where it’s most needed, not that I have enough to make a difference by any means. I’m struggling too. It’s not enough. It’s never enough.

I write stories where the answers come a little easier.

Not too easy. Never so easy that there’s not ethical dilemmas that must be wrestled with, and prices to be paid. But stories that are written to give us some hope, some magic to believe in, and characters with strength and morals and will that hopefully can inspire readers to do the same, even if it’s in small ways.

Is that enough? I don’t know. Probably not. Maybe I’m even a terrible person for offering hope at all. I don’t believe that–not usually–but today’s been a challenging day and I’m not sure I’m the good guy I want to be when I write stories like this.

But no, fuck that.

I am not one to give up. Even when my brain chemicals were telling me to do so every day, I fought back because I do believe that we can be better and do better, as my character Vali boldly asserts. All my characters take parts of my heart and my head and put them on the page to keep me going as well as you, because we all need that kind of hope.

We can’t give up. This is the only planet, the only people, the only existence we know for sure we’ll get.

Let’s Talk Existential Crisis Management: Volunteering

Essays

The general advice given to people talking on the Internet, especially people with any kind of platform, is to keep personal posts to a minimum, or at least keep details deeply obscured.

Well, fuck that, my friends.

Today we’re here to talk about being a creative person in this crumbling empire that’s morphing into a New Dark Age and how it’s wreaking havoc on those of us who are the “sensitive artist” type – which is a term often used to besmirch and belittle us, because sensitive = emotions, don’cha know, and that means WEAK.

First off: artists, writers, musicians, and every other type of creative person are some of the strongest and most observant people out there. We have to be. You can’t be weak and keep going down a road that almost never pays off in any supportive or sustaining way. Art is drawn from observation and feeling things deeply, in a way that allows us to reflect those feelings back to others and touch their hearts in turn. Sensitivity is our superpower and although it can hinder us in other ways, the one that affects us the most is how some people weaponize it against us.

We feel deeply, and that’s dangerous to those who want to desensitize the world for their own purposes [aka fascism; if I have to explain this you’re not paying attention]. Fascist leaning governments always move to control the Arts first; if Art wasn’t powerful, why would they bother?

So because I can only speak authoritatively about my own experiences and feelings, I’m here to talk about my state of mind right now.

…it’s hard to create while my country takes a hard shift to the right. [There’s a whole conversation about how far to the right we were before this but that’s for another time; please recognize that I am simplifying things here for flow of conversation and yes I know things have been fucked up for quite a while, just with an obscuring bandaid on for some more privileged parts of the population] Other countries have been following suit in various ways; I know my woes are shared.

Having an existential crisis in the midst of an even bigger crisis seems…trite, inconsequential.

But it’s normal, friends. Existential crises are triggered by big life shifts, trauma, and other major life events. In this case one could argue that we’re going through a polycrisis – “a cluster of related global risks with compounding effects, such that the overall impact exceeds the sum of each part.” Of course that’s going to trigger deep introspection and personal feelings. I know that I feel helpless and powerless right now. It’s causing me to examine every part of my life and who I am, because that’s really all I feel like I can control right now. If I’m being honest… even that’s a challenge.

“Take your hand off what you cannot control, and get your hands on things you can change. […]
The only thing you can control is yourself.” – Min Yoongi

So, to the first part of this discussion: no, it’s not trivial or weak to focus on what you can change in yourself right now.

In my case, I feel like I don’t matter. If I disappeared right now, who would miss me? The list of names of those who would immediately feel an impact is very small. I have a decently sized network of people, but if I stopped posting, would they notice?

I pour my heart into my writing, and into connecting with other people to encourage their creativity. I often feel like I’m shouting into the void, and it’s demoralizing at best. I struggle with feeling worthy, and with anger from that struggle. Again, I think all of this is normal, based on plenty of commentary I’ve seen from much bigger and more well-known authors and artists.

What’s important is what I do with that energy.

Ironically, the only thing you can control is yourself, but you can often work on that through putting your efforts into organizations that help others. Want to feel like what you’re doing is important and useful and meaningful? Help other people.

For me, that’s volunteering, mentoring, and cheerleading.

I’m disabled, and I don’t have a lot of physical energy a lot of the time. As a disabled artist and writer, I’m also very poor, so it’s difficult for me to donate to a lot of causes. But even with my physical constraints, I can lend my brain and connections and time in ways that helps my causes of choice and at the same time, helps me feel less conflicted about who I am and where I’m going. Pick whatever causes make the most sense for you at this time, and do the most good you can with them.

Doing that kind of work helps others, but also it gets you out of your own head, which is part of the whole Existential Crisis problem. I know for me it’s like my brain starts swirling with anxiety and questions until they become a cyclone that drags me into the middle of it, with no route of escape to be seen. That’s a soul-crushing place to get caught, while every question you’ve ever had about your worth and purpose come up to slap you around incessantly.
This can break that pattern, and possibly give you new perspective for the questions you have about the direction and meaning of your life. By focusing outwards, we can get the answers we crave for our inner selves.

So what I’ve done lately is step up my mentoring role, and also increase the volunteering work I’m doing. Helping other people to grow keeps me from feeling useless and stagnant, and gives me examples that can assist me in examining my own path. That might not be the answer for you, and that’s okay! But it’s worth noting that it’s a lot harder to dwell on my issues when I’m focusing on helping others. And spending time during my days to find work that others are doing and championing that helps a lot too–and sometimes the favor gets returned, and everyone wins!

I’m not saying this is the answer for everyone. But it’s helped me, and in turn it’s helped others, and that’s a success as far as I’m concerned. You’ll note I haven’t told you where to volunteer, or for what causes. That’s deliberate. Mutual aid and causes that ease the suffering of people are high need options right now; teaching/mentoring/volunteering in your field, donating time or money to programs for BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, disabled folks or another demographic endangered by fascism, marching/protesting, and so many other ways to help are also important. You get to choose. Pick something you can sink your heart into.

I know. Life itself is really hard right now. Everything’s crushing us, including our own brains. It seems impossible to find time/money/energy/wherewithal to do this. Look, I believe in you. I know you can do the thing. Every bit you can do to help other people right now helps all of us. It’s our only ticket to a better everything.